The Closet Infertile

Spotting

2010-01-14T12:56:00.000-08:00

Thanks for the advice on the leftover meds. I'm still not sure what to do. My desire is to give them to someone whose insurance doesn't cover meds and to save them a few/several hundred bucks. My latest thought is to contact a few local bloggers who I follow and see if they have any contacts who might need them. If not, I might just go ahead and donate them to the "learn how to become a junkie" class.

Anyway, all still seems to be mostly well. I woke up this morning to a bit of brown spotting and saw it again a little while ago in conjunction with some mild cramping. I checked my log from my first pregnancy and discovered that I also experienced some spotting for a day during my 8th week, so hopefully it's nothing to worry about. If it gets worse or is still here tomorrow, I'll call the clinic, but other than to get some reassurance from an ultrasound, I really don't think there's anything they can do for me at this stage of the game.

Sorry I've been an absent commenter. My husband was out of town at the beginning of the week and I was (shockingly!) too tired to turn on my computer after my parenting duties were done for the night!

What to do with the leftovers?

2010-01-08T06:56:00.000-08:00

Now that I've seen some evidence that this pregnancy is progressing, I'm allowing myself to start thinking about what to do with my leftover meds. I have an unopened cartridge of Folli.stim, an unopened Ovi.drel syringe (because I didn't trigger last month), and a box of the Endo.metrin suppositories.

When I spoke with one of the nurses at my clinic, she told me that I could donate the Foll.istim and Ovi.drel for one of their injection classes, but that they cannot accept a donation of the meds to redistribute. Understood. I'm all for helping people learn to give themselves injections, but I've read enough blogs to know that there are a lot of people out there who are strapped to pay for their treatment and it would be really great to help someone out.

I asked my doctor about this at my appointment yesterday and she said that she can't take it back but that some people have gone on the internet to find someone to give their medication to. My only concern is that I think it's illegal to give prescription medication to someone else and I'm not sure how much I want to advertise this.

Unfortunately, I don't know anyone personally who is currently undergoing treatment, and the few posts I've seen about this on the local parents' group have received no responses.

Do any of you have any thoughts on this?

Ultrasound

2010-01-07T10:08:00.000-08:00

I just got back from the doctor and everything looks good. We saw a heartbeat and the baby measured at 6 weeks 2 days, which is a day or two behind. Next up: follow up ultrasound in two weeks, and then I go back to my OB.

Let it go

2010-01-04T12:59:00.000-08:00

Okay, so yesterday I was all proud of myself for taking accountability for myself and how I think, blah blah blah. Of course it would be the same day that I was patting myself on the back for a job well done when I got angry and hurt over something one of my friends said.

A few of my friends (ones that know we've been trying to get pregnant since last spring) are interested in heading up to the snow for some sledding with their kids. Since we went up last week, I emailed out a quick report about where we went, etc. Friend M wanted to know whether we were planning on sledding or snowboarding, so I replied that we were only planning on sledding (our daughter is too young for the slopes). Then Friend A sent me an email asking if there was a hidden meaning *wink* *wink* to my email saying that I was only planning on going sledding.

There was NO hidden meaning. Okay, yes, I'm pregnant, but wow, it really offended me that she would ask so coyly whether I am pregnant. She knows we've been trying with help for several months. And I haven't talked to her much about this, so maybe she doesn't know details about the treatments, but still I would expect her to understand that the process can be very painful and frustrating while you're going through it. And if you want to find out what's going on, this is NOT the way to do it.

What bothers me the most is that I just couldn't let it go. I replied to the email with a clipped "What? No." response, but I could not stop thinking about what she said.

So why am I so sensitive about this? I really want to know. I realize that I am totally overreacting, but it's obviously still bothering me if I'm writing about it a day later. When I found out I was pregnant, a big weight was lifted off my shoulders and I thought I would easily merge into the land of the normal fertile population. My focus shifted a bit and I set my sights on the upcoming ultrasounds. But this...this threw me for a loop. Why would it bother me so much that someone I've known for 18 years makes an innocent (and hopeful) comment?

Ugh, sounds like it's time for some introspection.

Happy New Year

2010-01-03T15:11:00.000-08:00

Okay, I'm a few days late, but since work doesn't start until tomorrow, I feel like I can do a quick new year post.

I wasn't going to do any 2009 reflections but when I was reading the posts over the past couple of days, it caused me to spend a few minutes to take stock of 2009.

It's kind of funny because the first thing that jumps to mind is obviously fertility related, but I'll let that go because there's so much more to life than that. And I'm not just saying that because my hail mary cycle was successful. When I look back, I think the thing that I want to hold on to is the conscious decision I made a few weeks ago to take accountability for myself and not let my life be dictated by these treatments. I need to be balanced and live my life such that I won't look back and regret any decisions I made. This is something that I can use forever.

Anyway, that's all the reflecting I'll do for now. After all, there are 101 things I need to take care of before I head back to the office tomorrow. BOO!

Update

2009-12-28T22:48:00.000-08:00

Hi, I just wanted to give a quick Christmas update....

We drove up to see the in laws on Christmas Eve, but didn't stay over night as we have in the past. I was so excited not to have to travel at all on Christmas day! We had a good time visiting with everyone, but sadly we had to rush to hit the road because I was trying to make the 10PM Mass at home. It looks like I still need to work out some kinks with this new schedule!

During dinner I successfully endured the expected "When are you going to have another kid" question, but I just gave my standard fake "leave me alone" smile and turned the situation over to my husband to deal with. Luckily, it dissipated rather quickly and no one noticed that I was fake drinking my wine. I know it's lame to do that, but it felt good to put any lingering pregnancy questions to rest. ;)

We spent Christmas day with my family, which was great, but it was different from any other year because my grandfather has been recovering from hip surgery the last few weeks. My aunt has been here from Texas for almost two weeks, my uncle flew out Christmas morning, and my mom had to bolt from breakfast pretty early to go spend time with my grandfather. Thankfully we all got to visit my grandfather and eventually made it to my parents' house for a staggered dinner. My brother took over my grandfather's job of making mai-tais, so everyone had a good time. No one seemed to suspect anything out of the norm for me since I rarely drink. And no one was staring at my midsection, so I guess all the fears that my stomach is sticking out excessively were unfounded (or I did a REALLY good job of sucking in my stomach whenever someone looked at me!).

Anyway, we're both off work this week and are heading up to the snow for a couple of days with Munchkin and our younger dog. We had hoped to get away for a few days, but had put off making any reservations because we expected to be stimming and weren't sure when we would need to be in town. It's such a nice surprise to be able to work around our own schedules for once!

On the pregnancy front, there's not a whole lot going on, but it's only been a week. I'm still temping and will probably continue at least until the first ultrasound. If anything happens to go wrong, I want to see it coming, so I'll continue to check for a bit to make sure that my temps stay high. I generally feel fine with the occasional cramps/pit in the stomach feeling. My boobs are bigger, but not tender, so no need double up on the jog bras just yet. And I was pretty hungry last week and had to made a couple middle of the night trips to the fruit basket so I could get back to sleep.

All in all, there's nothing exciting to report really, but for once, that's a good thing. Happy almost new year! I hope 2010 is a good one for everyone.

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-25T13:59:00.000-08:00

For those of you celebrating, I hope you have a very Merry Christmas and get to enjoy a wonderful day with family and friends.

(I also hope you don't get asked the obligatory "when are you going to have a baby" question from unsuspecting family members!)

Beta #2

2009-12-23T14:58:00.000-08:00

My second beta from this morning came in at 424, so everything looks good. First ultrasound is scheduled for January 7th.

Friends

2009-12-22T16:49:00.000-08:00

I got an email a few days ago from one of my college roommates and it got me to thinking about friends. I've been mulling this over a bit during the past couple of weeks because there have been a lot of posts recently about friends and "friends", how some are incredibly supportive and others are insensitive, how sometimes you can be so happy about their pregancies/babies and other times you just can't help yourself from crying. It's clear to me that the high volume of these sorts of posts is directly related to the time of year. It's the holidays and want to celebrate with a baby, it's the end of the year and we thought we would be pregnant by now, the holiday cards are arriving in the mail in droves, etc. etc.

Friends can be so sweet and so supportive, or they can be hurtful and unwittingly remind us of what we don't have. Other than me, my little group of college friends - there are 6 of us - fall into the general population of those who don't have trouble getting pregnant. One got pregnant once without meaning to, and then again with her second on her first try. Another went off the pill at the same time as me in 2005, had a miscarriage, got pregnant again, and almost delivered her baby before I found out I was pregnant. The stories go on, right?

Given the value I place on my privacy, it would seem that I would want to protect myself from this group of people who cannot relate to what I've been going through this year. They can't know what I'm going through. But when you think about it, everyone has their problems and challenges in life. The one friend who got pregnant without trying, both she and her husband lost their fathers within the last year and a half. Their kids won't remember their grandfathers. The second friend I mentioned has a sister in law who has breast cancer and who is scared to treat it aggressively because she doesn't want her 4 children to notice that there's something wrong. These kids might grow up without a mother.

I guess my point is that we all have our challenges in life and we all experience loss, just maybe not the same type of loss, so if you choose to tell what you are going through, I think this is a great analogy to keep in mind. I have no idea what it is like to lose a parent, but that's okay, because I can listen. I feel comfortable talking to these few friends who I accidentally told about trying to get pregnant because they just listen and ask questions.

So back to the friend who emailed me the other day.... Here's an excerpt from her message.

I'm so sad for you that things are difficult on the baby front. I guess I really didn't realize how blessed I am (duh, I know, but sometimes it takes someone close to you experiencing life differently to really drive a point home). I'm sending you all of my happy holiday thoughts and wishes... it must be so frustrating. how are you doing? you seemed really upbeat when I saw you last, but maybe that was just jet lag :) I hope you guys are all doing OK.

I don't know why, but this really touched me. It blows me away that she is being so sensitive when she, too, is going through a tough time. Her mom is dealing with cancer and and has been through a lot of treatment and surgery this summer and fall and here is she is wondering how I'm handling a frustrating, uncertain, and disappointing situation with a smile on my face. The funny thing is, I wonder the same thing about her.

I guess our situations may have more in common than one would expect.

All is well

2009-12-21T12:54:00.000-08:00

I just got the call. Definitely pregnant. My beta came back at 146, with a progesterone level of >40.

Second beta is Wednesday.

Cool. :)

Thanks for all your comments. It's really nice to be able to share the news with you.

Wrong

2009-12-20T20:52:00.000-08:00

When I last wrote, it was Thursday. I was having what I call my normal "anti symptoms" and I was expecting AF in the next day or so.

It turns out that I was dead wrong.

The line is not dark, but it's there. With no unusual symptoms to speak of, I have spent the past three days expecting to see blood every time I used the restroom. When it didn't show up yesterday, I started to allow thoughts to creep into my mind. And every time I thought maybe, there were a thousand reasons that it was absolutely ridiculous to even think that it was possible. And so I went back to my spreadsheet that plans out my next cycle to see when I will most likely need to visit the doctor over the next two weeks.

And then again this morning, no blood.

I finally gave in this afternoon and stopped by the store to pick up a test. My beta is scheduled for tomorrow and I wasn't planning on going in until my CD3 baseline, so I needed to know if it was worth it to go. It appears that I should make a little detour on my way to work so I can get poked.

I'll let you know the results when I hear.

Round 8

2009-12-17T09:06:00.000-08:00

I'm at 11 DPO and it looks like round 8 of TTC with assistance is coming to an end. I expect my period in the next day or two and then on we go to round 9.

I'm surprised that I'm still here, not pregnant, after trying for seven months. And I think that's a good thing. That means I still think every cycle has a chance to work. Now I just need one of these cycle to actually work! Minor detail....

So here we go again. I'm still not ready to jump into IVF unless something stops us from moving forward this cycle. And I must say that I'm secretly hoping that I have leftover cysts when I go in for my baseline ultrasound because it would be the one thing that would push me to the other side. Of course a better outcome would be no cysts with a pregnancy after our third injectable cycle, but that's all left up to luck.

We'll see what happens....

Reflections

2009-12-14T14:48:00.000-08:00

I've had a full day (plus a run this morning) to reflect on yesterday's excitement and have come to two realizations:

1) I am self conscious about how I look right now and there's no reason to use "I might be pregnant next month" as an excuse to not take steps to maintain the fitness level and body that I want. It's time to accept that there is no guarantee when I will get pregnant - it may be soon, or it may be another year. Yes, I may get into great shape and not be able to race in a target event, or yes, I may need to adapt my workouts if my crazy right ovary goes into overdrive, but there's nothing stopping me right now. Life must go on and I don't have to sit back and watch it pass me by. So....there's a half marathon on Super Bowl Sunday that I've done off and on over the years. My husband and I have been talking about maybe signing up again and I think it's time. If I get my period next weekend, I'll sign up.

2) My second realization is that I am hypersensitive to people's comments about me being/getting pregnant, but it's not their fault, because they don't know. I do wish they would respect my privacy a bit more, but the bottom line is that this is my issue. I consciously chosen not to share this with my family. My MIL can't keep her mouth shut, so that was an easy one. And I chose not to tell my mom because she is a worrier and I don't want her to feel bad or to worry for me. In addition to the benefits of not having to share our personal business everytime we see our families, we also have the burden of deflecting unwanted comments and probes.

So there it is. I am going to try to take accountability for myself. I will also do a better job of setting boundaries with my in-laws. I'm still very angry, hurt, and offended and I plan to minimize our contact for a while. I think I may just need to work late on Thursdays nights for a while until I get past this (that's the afternoon my MIL comes down in the afternoon to spend time with my daughter). I will also still make sure my husband addresses his mom's behavior with her. But I'm not going to let her manipulate or control me.

Livid

2009-12-13T16:49:00.000-08:00

Let me preface this post my saying that my relationship with my MIL has been rocky at best. While she is generally a nice person and we get along on most occasions, I consider her to be manipulative and controlling, often willing to do what it takes (i.e. guilt trips) to get what she wants.

So here we are this afternoon at Munchkin's 2nd birthday party. It was a small get together with just grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. All of a sudden, my MIL had a shit-eating grin on her face. My husband asked her what was up, and she wouldn't say anything. He asked her a couple more times and eventually she asked him if I was pregnant. Luckily, I didn't find out why she was smiling so much until after she left (otherwise she might have been thrown out of the house then and there), but it's so offensive to me on so many levels that she would act this way at her granddaughter's birthday.

Firstly, and I'm ashamed to admit that this is the one that offends me the most, she must have seen something that made her think I was pregnant. Now, I'll admit that my stomach is not pancake flat like it was three years ago before I got pregnant, and I know it can pop out a bit later in the day, but let me just tell you that at 123 pounds in size 4 jeans, I do NOT look pregnant.

Secondly, this was Munchkin's party. She was the person of honor. Even if I were pregnant, it is completely and utterly inappropriate to carry on this way at an event honoring a special day in someone else's life.

Finally, I really feel that it's no one's else's business to guess if I am or am not pregnant, especially not in pulbic. People ask, and I deal with their questions in private as I deem appropriate (unfortunately, my standard "she's not even 2 yet!" comeback will not be valid as of tomorrow), but it is not her place to act like a child and bring this up in front of the family.

Our families are aware that this is something that we keep to ourselves, and if anyone has a memory longer than two years, they will remember comments that I made during my pregnancy that it took us a LONG time to get pregnant. Would it, could it make sense that we're in the same situation (but worse) this time?!

Looks like I need to put on my running shoes and burn off some of this anger (and pregnant-looking belly).

IUI #3

2009-12-09T14:15:00.000-08:00

Monday's appointment was uneventful. They were running about an hour late, which stressed me out because I was pretty sure I ovulated, at least on the left side, Sunday night. I changed my tune when they told me why they were so far behind. Apparently my doctor had a pregnant patient earlier that morning and they couldn't find a heartbeat on the ultrasound, so she ended up spending a long time with that couple. Who can complain about a doctor who is compassionate enough to spend an hour with a patient who just got some devastating news?

So the IUI itself was fine. I was a little disappointed when my doctor confirmed that everything being equal, Clo.mid cycles have lower success rates that gonadotropin cycles, but it is what it is and I did what I needed to do this cycle based on other life demands (crazy that there is more to life than eggs, follicles, uterine lining and sperm). At least I know I ovulated, so I have a chance.

I should have a good indication of the outcome of this cycle by sometime next weekend, and then it'll be decision time again: injectables or IVF? We'll see. I have this idea that I'm destined to only have December babies, so maybe I'll wait till March so I can make that come true!

Until then, work is predictably busy, and it should keep me occupied for at least a couple of days. Munchkin's birthday is on Monday, and we're having family over on Sunday for a little party. And then I'm taking Monday off, so hopefully I will look up on Tuesday and realize that time flew by and there's only a few more days to wait. Wishful thinking will keep me going! :)

A close call

2009-12-06T14:29:00.000-08:00

I arrived home early yesterday afternoon. I had decided against using one of the OPK tests before I left for the airport, but when I got home I decided that since my body might be a bit messed up, it might not be a bad idea. I tested late yesterday afternoon and it was positive! Crap! It was an expired strip, so I decided to test again this morning. Still positive. Double crap!

This was not in the plans. I was expecitng the LH surge on Tuesday, so I was scheduled for an ultrasound tomorrow morning to check my progress.

Luckily, I was able to get a last minute appointment today and everything looks good. My lining is 9.5mm and I have two, maybe three follicles that are ready to go. IUI is scheduled for tomorrow morning.

Two week wait, here I come!

Normal

2009-12-03T22:37:00.000-08:00

It's Friday morning, and it's CD12. I haven't seen a doctor in 10 days, I'm not on a two week wait, I'm not injecting myself, and I really haven't thought about trying to get pregnant since I left home on Sunday.

This week has reminded me of what it is like to be normal again, when I'm not constantly running off to doctor's appointments, not taking shots, not stressing about a two week wait. It's been absolutely wonderful, aside from the fact that I really want to get pregnant. And it's crazy that I feel so immersed in this cycle, because we didn't start trying until May, so it's only been 7 months. Only. Ha. I guess it generally takes normal people less than 6 months.

Anyway, it's been nice to get some perspective on life again. I'm back to my own reality on Monday morning, but that's just fine because while it's nice it's different here, I am ready to go home!

I'm alive!

2009-11-30T13:42:00.000-08:00

Wow, I can't believe it's almost been a week since I've posted. I guess I was just having too much fun over Thanksgiving. Of course there was the obligatory pregnancy announcement and then some unasked for advice from the taxi driver last night ("you should have your kids close together. blah blah blah), but nothing really to complain about.

I'm at CD8 right now and just took the last Clomid tablet this morning. I must say that Clomid is so EASY! I don't mind the injections, but it's so easy to remember to take a little pill every morning. Plus, I've never experienced any side effects, so I don't even worry about that part anymore. Now I just hope that I can get pregnant. Just a minor detail.

Anyway, we just arrived in Europe. I got my little post-flight workout in and am wondering if I might be lucky enough to fall asleep. We'll see.

I hope all is well with you in blogland. I'm a bit behind on commenting, but I hope to catch up tomorrow or Wednesday!

Enough with the negativity!

2009-11-24T20:15:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I had my little vent yesterday (thanks for the support, by the way!), took a deep breath, and had a nice run this morning with my four-legged running partner. All is back to normal in my universe.

I got in to see my doctor this morning. She's has a pretty calming demeanor, which is always nice. She told me that my last cycle looked good on paper, and that there was no reason not to be optimistic about our chances. She was totally fine with the Clomid idea and said that she really thinks that it's important that we try to work our cycles around our lives when necessary so we don't find IF running our lives. Easier said than done, but I appreciated the sentiment.

Anyway, the ultrasound results were fine. There was one small residual 11 mm cyst on my left ovary, but nothing to worry about. Uterine lining was nice and thin and there were lots of antral follicles (15 on one side, 10 on the other?) waiting for their turn.

The plan is to start the Clomid on Thursday (days 4 - 8, which was my preference) and then come in to see her the Monday after I get back. I would most likely trigger that evening and do an IUI on Wednesday. This schedule would also mimic my body's natural tendency to surge 8 days after the last Clomid pill and ovulate the day after.

So we're set. I'm grounded again. Work is crazy and stressful, but I can deal with it. And most importantly, I can return to my motto: Focus on the good, don't be stressed, end up pregnant. :)

CD1

2009-11-23T13:24:00.000-08:00

Here I am again at CD1 "enjoying" the free tampons at work. Originally I was pretty matter of fact about AF's arrival. After all, this is par for the course, right? I start my cycle, I stim, I have a couple of nice follicles, I trigger, IUI, I wait, I hope, I start seeing anti-pregnancy symptoms, I prepare for the inevitable, repeat. But now it's just getting me down, because once again my life and cycle monitoring are in conflict with one another. And it just sucks.

I called the clinic this morning to report CD1 and discuss my options since I will be out of town next week. It's not looking good at all. The nurse who was rather skeptical about doing a Clomid cycle after being on injectables. She kept saying "well, there's a reason the doctor put you on injectables." Uh, yes, that reason is that I had requested to be more aggressive in my treatment. And then she felt the need to remind me multiple times that an injectable cycle requires more monitoring. What a surprise. I had NO idea! I mean, seriously? Why else would I suggest a treatment progression that is out of the norm?! Wouldn't you suspect that I am trying to come up with alternatives because I know that an injectable cycle isn't realistic when I will be out of the country for work without my husband on days eight through thirteen (and my IUIs have been on days 11 and 12)????

Deep breath.....

We also talked about doing IVF (yes, still scary), but the lab will be closed between 12/24 and 1/2, which means that it really doesn't make sense to start on bcp's now because that would put me in a really long holding pattern. I know I need to read up on IVF protocols to see what all is involved in terms of all the different meds, but the bottom line is that it really makes no sense to me to lose a cycle in this process if I can fit one in while the lab is down.

So for now, I'll wait for the call back to see if I can do a Clomid cycle, possibly with IUI depending on how my body responds in the CM department. The timing of a Clomid cycle would be much better because I wouldn't ovulate until I'm back from Europe (very important!!!)

And then if that doesn't work, I can get started on the bcp's over the holidays and do an IVF cycle in January.

But I'm still frustrated. And I hate being frustrated about this.
I hate that I get stressed that time just keeps on marching on.
I hate that my inability to get pregnant in 7 months (with help!!) is causing me to have so many work/life scheduling issues.
I hate that the longer this takes, the longer I will postpone getting myself in kick-ass shape to race triathlons and marathons.
I hate not being in control.

So much for that zen attitude I professed two weeks ago. I think I need to go for a nice long hard run. Oh yeah, and to breathe.

Anti Symptoms

2009-11-21T11:37:00.000-08:00

TMI warning....

It's usually around 11DPO or 12DPO that I can start to tell that I'm not pregnant. I call these my anti-pregnancy symptoms. In addition to not having any implantation bleeding, I often notice an odor that indicates that my period is on its way. I also start to notice a pink tinge to my cervical mucus.

Yesterday was 11dpiui (still not sure when I ovulated) and the anti-pregnancy odor was present. And then this morning when I inserted the progesterone suppository, it came back with a touch of pink mucus. Sigh.

It appears that the game is over this month and now it's just a matter of time. My period should come either tomorrow or monday.

I've decided that I really want to go on that work trip the week after Thanksgiving. This means that I will be gone days 9 through 14 or 8 through 13. Either way, my IUIs have been on days 11 and 12, so the timing is just not going to work out. If I get the all clear and my doctor will agree, I will try a Clomid cycle since I will be back in time for a day 16 or 17 ovulation. If not, I'm just going to take the leap and use this cycle to prep for IVF. Insurance will cover it and I'm ready to get pregnant.

November ICLW

2009-11-21T00:33:00.000-08:00

Welcome ICLW'ers! I'm Shelley. This is my second ICLW. I'm at the tail end of my two week wait and am looking for anything to keep me busy the next few days!!!

Here's my background: It took me a good 17 months to get pregnant with my daughter and I have spent that past 7 months to trying to get pregnant with number 2. I've done 4 Clo.mid cycles and I'm just finishing up my second injectable IUI cycle. I had a cancelled cycle after my first injectable cycle, and although the thought of egg retrieval scares the crap out of me, I'm contemplating jumping into IVF if my current cycle fails and leftover cysts are found at my baseline ultrasound.

Thanks for stopping by!

Sick

2009-11-19T13:00:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a good day on the obsession scale, mostly due to a busy day at work, but today I am home with some sort of cold/flu thing. I am working, but being at home provides a lot of quiet time (at least now that the dogs have ceased wrestling in favor of sunbathing).

On the symptom watch, there's still nothing to report, so I'm kind of stuck without anything solid to overanalyze. And I'm not a big POASer so I'm not all that tempted to go out and but some strips. I figure that if this cycle didn't work, I'm likely to get my period before the end of the weekend, so no need to rush to the store just yet, especially since I'm currently only at 10 dpiui.

If this doesn't work, I know that I need to spend some time reflecting on my plans, especially for next cycle. I will need to decide how to handle the work/life balance issue forced by my scheduled trip the week after Thanksgiving, but for now I will quiet my mind, wait patiently (or at least as patiently as possible) and hope that the next few days bring good news.

Patience is a virtue...

2009-11-17T22:07:00.000-08:00

...that I don't have! My plan to be patient and get through this week quickly and effortlessly (ha!) has been completely thwarted by my inability to focus on anything but my cycle chart.

I track my cycles on a spreadsheet that I started when I went off bcp's four years ago. I now have a nice history and set of charts to peruse through so I can see how infrequently I ovulate, how long my luteal phases are when I do ovulate, when I start spotting, how long it takes me to get a positive opk when I take Clomid, etc.

In addition to tracking my current cycle, I also use it to plan all the possible scenarios for the next cycle. This month the drama is revolving around the high probability that I will be out of the country on days 9-14. I keep trying to manipulate the data to see if there are any scenarios for when CD1 arrives that will not impact my this trip. Ugh!

Oh, but I digress. My point is that I can stare at this spreadsheet several times a day for long periods of time to analyze a variety of symptoms, cycle characteristics, etc. And as I get closer to actually being able to look for signs of success or failure for the current cycle, I open it WAY too often. I think I need help. :)

Fingers are crossed that tomorrow will be a better day. It's bad enough that IF dominates my schedule during the first half of my cycle. I don't understand why I let it consume me for the second half as well.

Oh, and Maddy, I did enter my data for this cycle into Fertility Friend, but it's kind of late since your 2ww is just about over and I'm sure you don't need this to pass the time anymore. Here's the link anyway.

Back to Reality

2009-11-16T13:22:00.000-08:00

The few days away from home definitely provided a much needed respite and we had a great time away. I even managed to cut myself off email for the entire day on Friday. That was a big success for me!

Now that we're back, my symptom obsessiveness (is this even a word?) has returned with a vengeance. I'm only 7 dpiui, way too early for symptom checking, but already I'm honing my senses to any little twinge my body will provide. There's nothing of substance to report, but I had a temperature dip on day 5, which concerned me. It rebounded yesterday and stayed up again this morning, so I'm a bit relieved that this cycle is not unraveling yet.

My focus now is to just hold tight for a few more days. I tend to have a short luteal phase (on my last injectable cycle I started spotting at 11 dpiui, even with the suppositories), so I should hopefully have an answer before my beta on Monday. In the meantime, I will catch up on your blogs and try to quiet my brain.

Greetings from the road

2009-11-12T21:50:00.000-08:00

Since I'm too cheap to even consider springing for a hotel room that's a two room suite, I am currently lying on our bed in a darkened room with the tv volume so low that I can't hear it,, all so that I don't disturb Munchkin (who won't go to sleep even though it's an hour and a half past her bedtime). I figured that this is the perfect opportunity to check in and post.

Just a few quick bullet points:
- Vacations are awesome! It's been so long since I've been away from the office that I've forgotten what it's like to not feel compelled to check email every two minutes.
- I forgot how much I love to sleep in. I normally get at 5:30 or earlier to work out, so it's such a treat to sleep in till 7! Woo hoo. I'm a rebel, I know. :)
- Using Endo.metrin has not yet grown on me, but at least I'm prepared with extra panty liners (and who really cares if it can help me get pregnant)
- Vacations are awesome. I think it's time to schedule another one.

Anyway, hope all is well. Will post again in a couple of days after we head a bit further down the coast.

Nothing to say

2009-11-10T21:29:00.000-08:00

My family and friends would never believe that I have nothing to say, but really, I don't. So then you might wonder why I am bothering to write a post. Yeah, I know. I like talking to my computer. :)

Well, it's been a long day. I was about ready to leave and something "critical" came up. Grrrrr. Nothing like staying at work until 7:30 the day before going on vacation. Poor me!

But now I'm at home watching some tv, not working, and wondering why my temp wasn't up this morning. Maybe it was just a delayed reaction. I'll find out tomorrow morning, but I can be sure that it will be up on Thursday morning due to the oh so lovely Endometrin that I will become friends with again tomorrow morning. I can't wait! I'll try to spare you the details! ;)

Back to the waiting game

2009-11-09T12:43:00.000-08:00

The IUI is done and now the two week wait officially begins. Fun times.

Although I am not on the plane to Hawaii (still a bit sad about that, especially since I am sitting at my desk at work right now), I am still looking forward to our little getaway trip down the coast on Wednesday. The five days away should be fun and relaxing and should get me through the first week relatively easily. Then I can spend the second week over-analyzing all the progesterone-induced pregnancy symptoms.

Focus on the good, don't be stressed, end up pregnant. Sounds like a good motto to me. :)

Success

2009-11-08T08:02:00.000-08:00

I survived! Apparently the episode from September was a one time thing, because last night was uneventful, other than the usual fight with my dog for position in bed.

Thank goodness, because while I'm still hopeful that this cycle will be successful, there's still a good chance that I'll be needing the ovi.drel again.

Okay, off to exercise!

Fingers crossed

2009-11-07T21:29:00.000-08:00

I just took my trigger shot and now the countdown begins. The last time I triggered it took about 90 minutes before I started to feel nauseous. And then I vomited. I was up for another three hours clearing out my stomach before I could fall asleep.

I swore that night that I wouldn't do this to myself again, but here I am almost two months later anxiously wondering what the next few hours will bring...and hoping either way that it will all be worth it. I hope it was a one time thing, that maybe I was extra sensitive to the hormones because I had just run a road race that evening and hadn't eaten much.... I hope.

Well, it's done and there's nothing I can do. According to the insert, this side effect happens only 2.5% of the time, so hopefully I paid my dues last month! My fingers are crossed.

All set!

2009-11-06T20:45:00.000-08:00

I had another follicle check this morning. The doctor was so on time I hardly had enough time to undress before she was knocking on the door! I'm not used to this kind of service!

Anyway, the follicles are moving right along. They were at 16.5, 13, 13, 11.5, 10.5, and 28 less than 10. So tonight is my last Folli.stim injection, trigger tomorrow night, the IUI is scheduled for Monday morning, and we're heading out of town on Wednesday.

I'm trying to be chill about the next couple of weeks, but I really hope this cycle works. I have work trip planned to Europe for what will likely be days 8-14 next cycle. That is NOT good planning....

No shortage...

2009-11-04T12:22:00.000-08:00

...of eggs! After last night's post, I would hope that I have no shortage of brain cells, but the jury is still out on that. And thanks for the comments. You're right. I need to set an alarm. Sunny, I also like your idea of not being so strict on the timing, but I'm not sure I can do that. Not following instructions is hard for me. I'm lame like that. Anyway, I did set the alarms on my last cycle and it worked great. Unfortunately, my poorly designed N.ike watch broke and I can never seem to keep track of it now that it's not attached to my wrist. I just need to send it in (along with the rest of my collection of broken N.ike watches) for repair and shape up!

But I digress.

So I had my first follicle check this morning. Thankfully, my ovaries were a bit less ambitious on the lowered dosage. Last time I had 14, 11, 11, 11, 10, 10, and several other smaller ones at the 7 day check. Today I had 13, 11, 11, 10 and more than 20 at less than 10. My doctor proclaimed that there's no shortage of eggs in there! I guess I'll take that as a compliment and a good sign if/when I move up to IVF. She also wanted to get an estradiol level before she decided what to do with my dosage for tonight and tomorrow. So we'll see what happens.

All in all, it was a super quick appointment. In at 8:30, out by 9 with blood already drawn and a return appointment set for Friday. Not bad.

Oh, and the best news was that she's still letting me run for at least 2 more days! Sweet.

Where did my brain go?

2009-11-03T23:02:00.000-08:00

This is the second day in a row that I took the Follistim out of the fridge and forgot to take my shot. Last night I was a half hour late. No big deal, because I want to take the shot at 9 anyway and I was trying to slowly adjust after going off daylight savings. Tonight I got so immersed in work (exciting and fun, I know) that the next thing I knew, it was 10 and I was an hour late. Argh. I don't think it should matter all that much, but it still bugs me that I can't stick to the schedule.

The only good thing about this is that when I'm late, I'm pretty darn fast at dialing up the shot and jabbing myself. It's nice to go into auto-pilot, but is this really the way to do it?

Please, brain, come back. I NEED you!

Okay, back to work so I can hopefully go to sleep soon.

Hopeful Monday

2009-11-02T12:37:00.000-08:00

I am happy and hopeful today. I wasn't exhausted when I woke up before 5 AND the sun was up before I finished my swim workout. Good times!

I'm not sure why I feel so hopeful about this cycle, but I do. I don't know if it's because my periods are seeming more normal for me. Maybe it's because I feel like having one injectable cycle under my belt gives us information to improve our chances of not ovulating too early. Or maybe it's just just optimism that my body will cooperate this cycle.

Whatever the reason, I'm feeling good. I'm happy with the protocol for this month. I know what to expect at the RE's office for the next week or so. I'm still going on vacation for at least a few days next week...just not to Hawaii. And I have a plan for the next few months. After my first cycle with the RE in September, I was crushed when I found out that I had cysts and had to be med-free for a month. I didn't have a plan for that and it messed with all my other plans (including the one where I get pregnant this fall!).

I spent a lot of time last month reformulating plans and now I know what we're going to do if this cycle doesn't work. And I'm hopeful that one way or another, I will end up pregnant. Cross your fingers that I don't find myself rereading this post in a few months and kicking myself for being optimistic!

Anyway, for the record, if I don't have cysts at the next baseline ultrasound, I will do a third IUI cycle and if that doesn't work, then I'll jump to IVF. If I do end up with cysts after this cycle, I think I will be allowed to use next cycle as my "prep" cycle and then jump into the IVF world at the beginning of the year. Egg retrieval still sounds scary to me, but it's time to suck it up and take the next step.

I do believe that IUI can work for me, so I want to give it a chance. And if it doesn't work, waiting till next year for IVF gives me a chance to prepare mentally and financially. Now I just need to figure my odds for getting pregnant so I can determine how much money to put into our healthcare FSA.....

Uneventful

2009-10-31T13:25:00.000-07:00

And that's the way I like it. I had my baseline ultrasound this morning and all was well. The cysts were gone (yay!!), my uterine lining was thin and there were 9 antral follicles in each ovary.

My regular doctor wasn't in today but the one I saw agreed to lower my dosage of Folli.stim to 50iu per day. I was on 75iu for my September cycle and I responded so fast that I had borderline too many follicles and ended up with the IUI on CD11. I like to think that this early ovulation is one of the reasons I didn't get pregnant, with 4-5 follicles. Hopefully this reduced dose works better.

After I picked up the meds from the pharmacy downtown, I hung out with one of my college roommates for a few hours and now I'm home trying not to think of the needles in my fridge!!!

So I'm back in the game! I go in for my follicle check Wednesday morning.

Happy Halloween!

Free tampons

2009-10-29T21:57:00.000-07:00

The company I work for offers plenty of benefits for its employees. One of the small perks we get are free tampons. I'm happy to say that I am currently enjoying that nice little perk. :)

Fingers crossed that I don't have the opportunity to take advantage of this again for a good long time.

Still waiting

2009-10-28T20:35:00.000-07:00

I guess I was a little too ambitious when I thought AF would be here by today for sure. I'm trying to look on the bright side and be happy that my luteal phase will be at least 12 days. The only time I've ever seen that is with drugs....

So here I wait, mercifully immersed in way too much work. At least the time is passing quickly.

Almost here!

2009-10-26T21:56:00.000-07:00

I find it rather backwards that I am so looking forward to AF coming. I am ready! Maybe tomorrow or Wednesday.

I keep thinking "You know you're infertile when...one month AF causes excitement and the next it's devastating." Sad, eh? Who wants to be excited or devastated about menstrual bleeding, of all things?

I guess we carry on, because that's all we can do.

Birthday

2009-10-25T12:26:00.000-07:00

Today is my dog's 12th birthday. We've been inseparable since she was a little puppy and have been through more ups and downs together than I can even recall.

She was my number one running partner for years and taught me how to properly spoil a dog. As I write this, she is lying on the couch next to me with her back up against my leg. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Happy birthday, sweetie!

Busy Friday!

2009-10-23T21:01:00.000-07:00

It's so nice to have busy days at work. They go by so fast and even though I stayed way too late, especially for a Friday, the weekend came fast and now I'm just catching up on blogs. :)

Have a great weekend and let's hope that next week brings some AF!

Juggling and Traveling

2009-10-22T06:30:00.000-07:00

Since it's ICLW week and I might get some traffic through my blog, I wanted to pose the question to you: How you deal with traveling (for work or for play) and IF appointments?

My manager wants me to take on a project for the next 4 months that would require me to travel to Europe a week a month starting the first week of December. I've never had to travel for work and am not thrilled about starting now, but other than that, the project sounds interesting. What doesn't sound appealing is trying to adapt my cycle to my travel schedule. It's not like my cycle is very predictable in the first place!

Anyway, I wanted to see how the rest of you handle this. I'm already prepped to cancel vacation plans next month to accommodate the monitoring appointments, but I don't know how much I can be a slave to this scheduling nightmare.

Thoughts?

ICLW

2009-10-21T08:53:00.000-07:00

Welcome ICLW'ers! My blog is only a couple of weeks old, so I thought this would be a good way to get in touch with new people.

Anyway, I'm in the middle of a cancelled cycle and am trying to keep myself entertained until AF comes hopefully next week and I can start my second injectible/IUI cycle.

Have a great day!

I've been outed!

2009-10-20T21:26:00.000-07:00

Ha! Actually, I outed myself. And I'm only outed about the blog. And only to my husband.  I didn't want to keep this a secret from him. So I guess I'm still mostly in the closet! Phew!

I have been thinking about the tell/don't tell decision quite a bit recently (not much of a surprise since I named the blog "closet infertile"!).  I've recently read some blogs whose authors are strong proponents of telling people about their infertility so they can reap the benefits of support from their friends and family.   I totally get it and sometimes wish I didn't always answer the "So when are you going to have another one?" question with my standard vague "Oh, sometime...." or "She's not even two yet!" answer.

This IF thing is such a personal struggle for me and it's hard having to talk about it every time I see someone that I've told. I think I also have trouble with telling people because I perceive my IF as a failure of sorts and I don't want to admit this vulnerability to many people.

I went on a girl trip with my college friends in June. This mini vacation came at the end of my first cycle on Clomid and I was so sure I was pregnant that I told them so I didn't look like an idiot begging off our post-hike hot tub soaking. On the one hand, I truly appreciate their support and I feel comfortable telling them what I'm going through (they are amazed that I've survived the needles!), but the subject always comes up every time I see one of them so I need to be prepared to talk. Of course I try to be positive about my outlook, but this is a difficult journey to be on. And it's not like I've had good news to report yet! I just don't know if this is something that I could sustain with a larger group of people.

For now I think I'm going to keep the circle small and depending on how long this goes on, I'll tell people if and when I'm ready. And if I'm lucky, I'll get pregnant soon, and I can tell them about my experiences in the past tense.

Wish me luck.... :)

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

2009-10-19T12:48:00.000-07:00

The Good
1. I ovulated! I think.... My temp has been up for three days, so even though I didn't see any other signs, I assume it happened. I have to give props to my ovaries for trying to be normal AND for overcoming cysts. Good job!

2. My cycle should be a reasonable length. When I was charting before I was pregnant, I had a short luteal phase of 9 or 10 days, so maybe I will be on my way next week!

The Bad
I had NO idea that this was coming. My body put on a very good poker face and I had no clue. Doh! I would have thought my charting skills were better than this! So my chances of getting pregnant this cycle are little to none, due to poor timing.... I wish I had been more optimistic and addressed this possibility...just in case!

The Ugly
Okay, I couldn't think of the ugly side of this. I'm pleased that I ovulated (I think!), I'm disappointed that I wasted a chance to get pregnant, but this means that the next cycle is not too far away and hopefully this puts us back on track to go on our vacation. I think we'll need to push out our departure date a couple of days, so if it's not too expensive, I think we'll try to go that route.

IUI or IVF?

2009-10-17T20:42:00.000-07:00

IUI or IVF? IUI or IVF? I've kept myself busy this cycle thinking about what path forward is best for us. Ever since I was warned by my RE last month of the risk of high order multiples (I developed 5 follicles), I've wondered if IUI is right for us.

But to be honest, I'm scared of IVF. I don't like needles and I really don't like A LOT of needles! I sucked it up last month to take Foll.istim for 6 days, but I've read enough blogs to know that IVF involves more scary needles multiple times a day.

I'm also scared of egg retrieval and the hormonal roller coaster, but most importantly, I'm scared of failure. Rationally, I know that nothing is certain, but I find comfort knowing that there's still "a next step" if our current attempts are not successful.

When I look at the downside of doing IUI with gonadotropins, this is what I think about:
- lower chance of success than IVF
- possibility of a cancelled cycle due to too many follicles (a nice problem to have?)
- the chance that I will only be able to cycle every two months due to cysts
- higher probability of triplets or more

The last is the scariest for me because selective reduction really isn't an option for me. The most concerning is the possibility that each failed IUI cycle will leave me with leftover cysts and a month off. I have no desire to take an entire year to get through 6 IUIs.

I don't know what to do. I don't like the invasiveness of IVF, nor the number of shots or the cost, but in some ways it just seems like the way to go if I want to get pregnant faster. I suppose that as long as my cysts are gone at my next baseline ultrasound, I'll march forward with another IUI cycle and talk to my RE, see what she recommends, and go from there. I still have a ways to go before that happens; after all, it's only CD18 (and counting).

Nothing

2009-10-15T12:09:00.000-07:00

Here I am on CD16 and there's no sign of anything. nothing. nada. zilch. It's not even tempting to break out the OPK. Oh well. It's not like I could have expected anything different. Hoped, yes. Expected, no.

I guess the positive side of things is that I am hopefully halfway through this cycle. Fingers crossed.

Calculating

2009-10-13T12:26:00.000-07:00

In my Type A world of infertility, I spend the beginning and end of each cycle calculating and re-calculating just about everything. When will AF come? When will I need to keep the morning free for a day 3 ultrasound? When will the day 7 ultrasound be? When will my next follicle check be? What day will I need to trigger on? When will the IUI be? And then finally, when will my beta be scheduled for?

Of course, these are all variable based on CD1, so I try to keep my schedule as open as I can to accommodate this variation.

Unfortunately, I'm kind of screwed for next month. I know I won't get pregnant on this cancelled cycle and I have no idea how long it will last. 26 days? 40 days? Ugh! Not terrible in itself, I know, but our Hawaiian vacation next month is going to land right smack in the middle of stimming.

We haven't been on a real vacation, just the three of us, since Munchkin was born at the end of 2007. Plus, it's Hawaii, so of course we really want to go, but I can't stomach skipping two cycles in a row. I'm in a place where I hope/expect to get pregnant, and I don't know how long this mindset will last. Yes, I know the statistics and I know that chances are that I won't get pregnant next month, but I can't get pregnant if I don't try, right? And for me, trying includes drugs. And drugs require me to practically live in a doctor's office for the better part of two weeks. Two weeks that will coincide with my plans to be on a beach in Maui.

The only thing keeping us from cancelling all our plans and incurring the penalties (fertility treatment is specifically excluded in the travel insurance we purchased. DOH!) is the very small chance that my cycle will be super short and we will be able to get through the stimming and IUI before we fly out. Not likely, but we'll know soon in a few weeks. Fingers crossed....

Up and Running

2009-10-11T20:32:00.000-07:00

Today was the first day in almost a month that I've been able to go for a nice weekend run. Sweet!

I hadn't been advised to avoid "bouncy" exercise while stimming, so it was a shock for me when at my second monitoring appointment last month, the RE stopped cold in her tracks when I told her that I would have a lot to think about during my run that evening. She warned me of the risks of ovarian twisting and proceeded to give me an example of a patient who had this happen while hiking after stimming. Uh oh! It was rather unfortunate that that evening's run was a Corporate team race, and I couldn't cancel out at the last minute. Luckily, my RE said that it was okay, but that I needed to take it easy. I survived that run, but was determined to be a good patient for the rest of my two week wait. After all, she's trying to do what's best for me.

I spent the next 12 days in the pool and on my bike and then when AF came early, I was ready for a run. Unfortunately, the following day I got the bad news that I had 5 cysts left over from last cycle and that I should not run for at least a week. Ugh.

I was so bummed! Not only did I not get pregnant with 5 follicles and not only did my cycle just get cancelled, but I was just told that I couldn't do the one thing that really keeps me sane. It is such a blow to have so many negative things collide in a five minute period of time.

At any rate, I was a good patient. I suppressed my desire to use my leftover Folli.stim or try see if I could still get a hold of a prescription of Clo.mid and did not run.

In a way, I guess this was a good reality check of what the next several months may bring. I hope I will not be one of the people who has to take every other month off from stimming due to cysts, but I think it's a possibility that I need to prepare myself for and determine whether to stick with this treatment plan. Time will tell, I guess.

In the meantime, I will spend a lot of time thinking while running for the rest of this cycle, however long it may last....

Here I Am

2009-10-10T10:41:00.000-07:00

Hi, my name is Shelley...and I am infertile.

There. I said it.

I have been thinking about starting this blog for a long time, but I kept hoping that I wouldn't need it.

I am 36 years old and have an almost 2 year old daughter. It took 17 months of irregular cycles to conceive, but I was lucky in that I got pregnant my first month on Clomid. I nursed Munchkin for a year and the day after I stopped, I got my first post-baby period.

My cycles stayed irregular, and I knew that I would need help again, but hoped all I needed was a prescription or two of Clo.mid and I would be on my way. I was training for a triathlon in early May, so I called the doctor in April to get a prescription. May came and went, and so did June, July and August with no luck. My OB was going on maternity leave at the end of August and we decided it was a good time for me to switch over to an RE.

I had an initial meeting with the RE at the end of August. Her thought was that maybe I have a hypothalamic disorder and we decided that a good next step was to do a 5th cycle with Clo.mid, but to add IUI to increase our chances. In between the meeting and my next period, I decided I wanted to step up our chances even more and do an injectable cycle. The RE was amenable to this and she put me on Foll.istim. I turned out to be a fast responder and even with lowered dosage after my first check, I had 4-5 follicles. Unfortunately, not only did I not get pregnant, I also ended up with 5 cysts and a cancelled cycle.

I am currently on CD11 and am privately hoping that somehow I will be able to ovulate on my own this month (yeah, right!), but also get pregnant so that I don't have to postpone or cancel my unfortunately timed vacation to Hawaii next month (more on that later).

I want to add to our family, and it's getting difficult to keep a positive attitude with failure month after month and friends who can get pregnant two days after they decide it's time to have a baby. Sigh.