It was a little over a year ago that we decided we were ready to try for a baby. I must have had some memory loss about my infertile status because I worried about a holiday due date, a pre-term holiday due date, and other frivolous things that a mostly infertile woman should never let enter into her baby-making formula. We did an unmonitored Clomid cycle with leftover meds in May and then returned to the clinic in June.
It was a little under a year ago, August 16th, to be exact, when a cyst resulting from a second failed injectible IUI cycle put me on the bench. The next few weeks included a lot of thought regarding my next steps. To IVF, or not to IVF? To "go backwards" and use clomid, or not to use clomid? The injectible drugs were not working for me. They were cyst creators, not baby creators.
Plus, it was scary. I was getting 4 or 5 follicles, but I only wanted one baby! I just don't see how I could make it through a pregnancy with multiples. And selective reduction? I just don't think that's a path for me. It's just best for me to avoid that possibility.
During my decision process, I asked for a lot of advice. At one point, Sunny suggested that I look at the situation with respect to which path might cause more regret. For example, if I spent months on failed Clomid cycles and then went to IVF and it worked vs. spending money on a failed IVF and then returning to Clomid and having success(!!), would one give me a bad taste in my mouth? (Isn't it nice that both those options end in a happy ending? Thank you for the positive thinking!).
In the end I decided that IVF gave me the best odds at getting pregnant as soon as possible, so we proceeded down that path. What I didn't know, and couldn't have known, was how my body would respond, not just in terms of number of good eggs/embryos, but also in terms of the post-cycle recovery.
I have spent much of the past five months waiting...waiting for a normal period after my miscarriage, waiting for the IVF cycle to start while I was on BCPs, and then the longest of all, waiting 53 days for my body to recover from the latest fresh IVF cycle just so that I can have a chance to try to get pregnant.
A 53 day cycle will mess with your mind. I spent a lot of time thinking...thinking about whether going the IVF route was the best decision. It's hard to think back on the past year and to know that in the past 12 months, I have only had FOUR opportunities to get pregnant. Okay, I agree, I am glossing over the fact that I actually did get pregnant one of those four times, but somehow it just doesn't count when it becomes a miscarriage.
How would I have felt if I had done Clomid or some other stimulation drug for several more months? Is it harder to go month after month of failed TTC, or is it harder to have fewer opportunities with seemingly higher probability of success? Not doing IVF is nice because then you always have that to fall back on, i.e. "if this doesn't work, then we can bring in the big guns and do IVF", but it's also hard because I would sometimes wonder if I was just wasting time by trying treatments that had a lower chance of success. Doing IVF brings a lot of pressure, i.e. "If I can't get pregnant with IVF, then what is left for me?".
Thankfully, the end of a marathon cycle brings new hope and less despair, but I still wonder about what would have happened if I had taken the other path. Deep down, I don't regret my decision. I do believe it was a good one that just had a bad outcome.
I just hope that the path I'm heading down results in a good outcome. Fingers crossed....
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I think that one of the hardest parts of infertility is that it's all one big guessing game. Sure, our doctors know generally what should help us get pregnant, but those procedures, medications and ideas are based on what has worked for the general public, not necessarily what will work for our individual bodies. All they (and we) can do is try something that should work, and if it doesn't, then the next step is figuring out what needs to be tweaked or changed all together. Its a very frustrating, time consuming and expensive process, but all we can do is try, try again and try to not have regrets if after everything is said and done.
ReplyDeleteAll that said, I think the only thing we can do is do some research on our own and go with our gut feelings. Even if a cycle didn't end in a positive test, we can't beat ourselves up about it because it's one big guessing game, no one has the right answers.
I had that 55 day cycle last year, now if I plug a fake date into my iPhone app before AF is due, just to avoid seeing the "your period is X days late!" Reminder, then I plug in the real date when it occurs. This process oflen reminds me of the Kenny Rogrers song "the gambler"
ReplyDeleteIt really is a toss up as to what is the best way to go. I think that's a good way to go, figuring out which decision will cause the least amount of regrets. I'm really, really hoping this next time is it for you with the best possible outcome!
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