And that's the way I like it. I had my baseline ultrasound this morning and all was well. The cysts were gone (yay!!), my uterine lining was thin and there were 9 antral follicles in each ovary.
My regular doctor wasn't in today but the one I saw agreed to lower my dosage of Folli.stim to 50iu per day. I was on 75iu for my September cycle and I responded so fast that I had borderline too many follicles and ended up with the IUI on CD11. I like to think that this early ovulation is one of the reasons I didn't get pregnant, with 4-5 follicles. Hopefully this reduced dose works better.
After I picked up the meds from the pharmacy downtown, I hung out with one of my college roommates for a few hours and now I'm home trying not to think of the needles in my fridge!!!
So I'm back in the game! I go in for my follicle check Wednesday morning.
Happy Halloween!
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Free tampons
The company I work for offers plenty of benefits for its employees. One of the small perks we get are free tampons. I'm happy to say that I am currently enjoying that nice little perk. :)
Fingers crossed that I don't have the opportunity to take advantage of this again for a good long time.
Fingers crossed that I don't have the opportunity to take advantage of this again for a good long time.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Still waiting
I guess I was a little too ambitious when I thought AF would be here by today for sure. I'm trying to look on the bright side and be happy that my luteal phase will be at least 12 days. The only time I've ever seen that is with drugs....
So here I wait, mercifully immersed in way too much work. At least the time is passing quickly.
So here I wait, mercifully immersed in way too much work. At least the time is passing quickly.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Almost here!
I find it rather backwards that I am so looking forward to AF coming. I am ready! Maybe tomorrow or Wednesday.
I keep thinking "You know you're infertile when...one month AF causes excitement and the next it's devastating." Sad, eh? Who wants to be excited or devastated about menstrual bleeding, of all things?
I guess we carry on, because that's all we can do.
I keep thinking "You know you're infertile when...one month AF causes excitement and the next it's devastating." Sad, eh? Who wants to be excited or devastated about menstrual bleeding, of all things?
I guess we carry on, because that's all we can do.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Birthday
Today is my dog's 12th birthday. We've been inseparable since she was a little puppy and have been through more ups and downs together than I can even recall.
She was my number one running partner for years and taught me how to properly spoil a dog. As I write this, she is lying on the couch next to me with her back up against my leg. I wouldn't have it any other way.
Happy birthday, sweetie!
She was my number one running partner for years and taught me how to properly spoil a dog. As I write this, she is lying on the couch next to me with her back up against my leg. I wouldn't have it any other way.
Happy birthday, sweetie!
Friday, October 23, 2009
Busy Friday!
It's so nice to have busy days at work. They go by so fast and even though I stayed way too late, especially for a Friday, the weekend came fast and now I'm just catching up on blogs. :)
Have a great weekend and let's hope that next week brings some AF!
Have a great weekend and let's hope that next week brings some AF!
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Juggling and Traveling
Since it's ICLW week and I might get some traffic through my blog, I wanted to pose the question to you: How you deal with traveling (for work or for play) and IF appointments?
My manager wants me to take on a project for the next 4 months that would require me to travel to Europe a week a month starting the first week of December. I've never had to travel for work and am not thrilled about starting now, but other than that, the project sounds interesting. What doesn't sound appealing is trying to adapt my cycle to my travel schedule. It's not like my cycle is very predictable in the first place!
Anyway, I wanted to see how the rest of you handle this. I'm already prepped to cancel vacation plans next month to accommodate the monitoring appointments, but I don't know how much I can be a slave to this scheduling nightmare.
Thoughts?
My manager wants me to take on a project for the next 4 months that would require me to travel to Europe a week a month starting the first week of December. I've never had to travel for work and am not thrilled about starting now, but other than that, the project sounds interesting. What doesn't sound appealing is trying to adapt my cycle to my travel schedule. It's not like my cycle is very predictable in the first place!
Anyway, I wanted to see how the rest of you handle this. I'm already prepped to cancel vacation plans next month to accommodate the monitoring appointments, but I don't know how much I can be a slave to this scheduling nightmare.
Thoughts?
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
ICLW
Welcome ICLW'ers! My blog is only a couple of weeks old, so I thought this would be a good way to get in touch with new people.
Anyway, I'm in the middle of a cancelled cycle and am trying to keep myself entertained until AF comes hopefully next week and I can start my second injectible/IUI cycle.
Have a great day!
Anyway, I'm in the middle of a cancelled cycle and am trying to keep myself entertained until AF comes hopefully next week and I can start my second injectible/IUI cycle.
Have a great day!
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
I've been outed!
Ha! Actually, I outed myself. And I'm only outed about the blog. And only to my husband. I didn't want to keep this a secret from him. So I guess I'm still mostly in the closet! Phew!
I have been thinking about the tell/don't tell decision quite a bit recently (not much of a surprise since I named the blog "closet infertile"!). I've recently read some blogs whose authors are strong proponents of telling people about their infertility so they can reap the benefits of support from their friends and family. I totally get it and sometimes wish I didn't always answer the "So when are you going to have another one?" question with my standard vague "Oh, sometime...." or "She's not even two yet!" answer.
This IF thing is such a personal struggle for me and it's hard having to talk about it every time I see someone that I've told. I think I also have trouble with telling people because I perceive my IF as a failure of sorts and I don't want to admit this vulnerability to many people.
I went on a girl trip with my college friends in June. This mini vacation came at the end of my first cycle on Clomid and I was so sure I was pregnant that I told them so I didn't look like an idiot begging off our post-hike hot tub soaking. On the one hand, I truly appreciate their support and I feel comfortable telling them what I'm going through (they are amazed that I've survived the needles!), but the subject always comes up every time I see one of them so I need to be prepared to talk. Of course I try to be positive about my outlook, but this is a difficult journey to be on. And it's not like I've had good news to report yet! I just don't know if this is something that I could sustain with a larger group of people.
For now I think I'm going to keep the circle small and depending on how long this goes on, I'll tell people if and when I'm ready. And if I'm lucky, I'll get pregnant soon, and I can tell them about my experiences in the past tense.
Wish me luck.... :)
I have been thinking about the tell/don't tell decision quite a bit recently (not much of a surprise since I named the blog "closet infertile"!). I've recently read some blogs whose authors are strong proponents of telling people about their infertility so they can reap the benefits of support from their friends and family. I totally get it and sometimes wish I didn't always answer the "So when are you going to have another one?" question with my standard vague "Oh, sometime...." or "She's not even two yet!" answer.
This IF thing is such a personal struggle for me and it's hard having to talk about it every time I see someone that I've told. I think I also have trouble with telling people because I perceive my IF as a failure of sorts and I don't want to admit this vulnerability to many people.
I went on a girl trip with my college friends in June. This mini vacation came at the end of my first cycle on Clomid and I was so sure I was pregnant that I told them so I didn't look like an idiot begging off our post-hike hot tub soaking. On the one hand, I truly appreciate their support and I feel comfortable telling them what I'm going through (they are amazed that I've survived the needles!), but the subject always comes up every time I see one of them so I need to be prepared to talk. Of course I try to be positive about my outlook, but this is a difficult journey to be on. And it's not like I've had good news to report yet! I just don't know if this is something that I could sustain with a larger group of people.
For now I think I'm going to keep the circle small and depending on how long this goes on, I'll tell people if and when I'm ready. And if I'm lucky, I'll get pregnant soon, and I can tell them about my experiences in the past tense.
Wish me luck.... :)
Monday, October 19, 2009
The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly
The Good
1. I ovulated! I think.... My temp has been up for three days, so even though I didn't see any other signs, I assume it happened. I have to give props to my ovaries for trying to be normal AND for overcoming cysts. Good job!
2. My cycle should be a reasonable length. When I was charting before I was pregnant, I had a short luteal phase of 9 or 10 days, so maybe I will be on my way next week!
The Bad
I had NO idea that this was coming. My body put on a very good poker face and I had no clue. Doh! I would have thought my charting skills were better than this! So my chances of getting pregnant this cycle are little to none, due to poor timing.... I wish I had been more optimistic and addressed this possibility...just in case!
The Ugly
Okay, I couldn't think of the ugly side of this. I'm pleased that I ovulated (I think!), I'm disappointed that I wasted a chance to get pregnant, but this means that the next cycle is not too far away and hopefully this puts us back on track to go on our vacation. I think we'll need to push out our departure date a couple of days, so if it's not too expensive, I think we'll try to go that route.
1. I ovulated! I think.... My temp has been up for three days, so even though I didn't see any other signs, I assume it happened. I have to give props to my ovaries for trying to be normal AND for overcoming cysts. Good job!
2. My cycle should be a reasonable length. When I was charting before I was pregnant, I had a short luteal phase of 9 or 10 days, so maybe I will be on my way next week!
The Bad
I had NO idea that this was coming. My body put on a very good poker face and I had no clue. Doh! I would have thought my charting skills were better than this! So my chances of getting pregnant this cycle are little to none, due to poor timing.... I wish I had been more optimistic and addressed this possibility...just in case!
The Ugly
Okay, I couldn't think of the ugly side of this. I'm pleased that I ovulated (I think!), I'm disappointed that I wasted a chance to get pregnant, but this means that the next cycle is not too far away and hopefully this puts us back on track to go on our vacation. I think we'll need to push out our departure date a couple of days, so if it's not too expensive, I think we'll try to go that route.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
IUI or IVF?
IUI or IVF? IUI or IVF? I've kept myself busy this cycle thinking about what path forward is best for us. Ever since I was warned by my RE last month of the risk of high order multiples (I developed 5 follicles), I've wondered if IUI is right for us.
But to be honest, I'm scared of IVF. I don't like needles and I really don't like A LOT of needles! I sucked it up last month to take Foll.istim for 6 days, but I've read enough blogs to know that IVF involves more scary needles multiple times a day.
I'm also scared of egg retrieval and the hormonal roller coaster, but most importantly, I'm scared of failure. Rationally, I know that nothing is certain, but I find comfort knowing that there's still "a next step" if our current attempts are not successful.
When I look at the downside of doing IUI with gonadotropins, this is what I think about:
- lower chance of success than IVF
- possibility of a cancelled cycle due to too many follicles (a nice problem to have?)
- the chance that I will only be able to cycle every two months due to cysts
- higher probability of triplets or more
The last is the scariest for me because selective reduction really isn't an option for me. The most concerning is the possibility that each failed IUI cycle will leave me with leftover cysts and a month off. I have no desire to take an entire year to get through 6 IUIs.
I don't know what to do. I don't like the invasiveness of IVF, nor the number of shots or the cost, but in some ways it just seems like the way to go if I want to get pregnant faster. I suppose that as long as my cysts are gone at my next baseline ultrasound, I'll march forward with another IUI cycle and talk to my RE, see what she recommends, and go from there. I still have a ways to go before that happens; after all, it's only CD18 (and counting).
But to be honest, I'm scared of IVF. I don't like needles and I really don't like A LOT of needles! I sucked it up last month to take Foll.istim for 6 days, but I've read enough blogs to know that IVF involves more scary needles multiple times a day.
I'm also scared of egg retrieval and the hormonal roller coaster, but most importantly, I'm scared of failure. Rationally, I know that nothing is certain, but I find comfort knowing that there's still "a next step" if our current attempts are not successful.
When I look at the downside of doing IUI with gonadotropins, this is what I think about:
- lower chance of success than IVF
- possibility of a cancelled cycle due to too many follicles (a nice problem to have?)
- the chance that I will only be able to cycle every two months due to cysts
- higher probability of triplets or more
The last is the scariest for me because selective reduction really isn't an option for me. The most concerning is the possibility that each failed IUI cycle will leave me with leftover cysts and a month off. I have no desire to take an entire year to get through 6 IUIs.
I don't know what to do. I don't like the invasiveness of IVF, nor the number of shots or the cost, but in some ways it just seems like the way to go if I want to get pregnant faster. I suppose that as long as my cysts are gone at my next baseline ultrasound, I'll march forward with another IUI cycle and talk to my RE, see what she recommends, and go from there. I still have a ways to go before that happens; after all, it's only CD18 (and counting).
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Nothing
Here I am on CD16 and there's no sign of anything. nothing. nada. zilch. It's not even tempting to break out the OPK. Oh well. It's not like I could have expected anything different. Hoped, yes. Expected, no.
I guess the positive side of things is that I am hopefully halfway through this cycle. Fingers crossed.
I guess the positive side of things is that I am hopefully halfway through this cycle. Fingers crossed.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Calculating
In my Type A world of infertility, I spend the beginning and end of each cycle calculating and re-calculating just about everything. When will AF come? When will I need to keep the morning free for a day 3 ultrasound? When will the day 7 ultrasound be? When will my next follicle check be? What day will I need to trigger on? When will the IUI be? And then finally, when will my beta be scheduled for?
Of course, these are all variable based on CD1, so I try to keep my schedule as open as I can to accommodate this variation.
Unfortunately, I'm kind of screwed for next month. I know I won't get pregnant on this cancelled cycle and I have no idea how long it will last. 26 days? 40 days? Ugh! Not terrible in itself, I know, but our Hawaiian vacation next month is going to land right smack in the middle of stimming.
We haven't been on a real vacation, just the three of us, since Munchkin was born at the end of 2007. Plus, it's Hawaii, so of course we really want to go, but I can't stomach skipping two cycles in a row. I'm in a place where I hope/expect to get pregnant, and I don't know how long this mindset will last. Yes, I know the statistics and I know that chances are that I won't get pregnant next month, but I can't get pregnant if I don't try, right? And for me, trying includes drugs. And drugs require me to practically live in a doctor's office for the better part of two weeks. Two weeks that will coincide with my plans to be on a beach in Maui.
The only thing keeping us from cancelling all our plans and incurring the penalties (fertility treatment is specifically excluded in the travel insurance we purchased. DOH!) is the very small chance that my cycle will be super short and we will be able to get through the stimming and IUI before we fly out. Not likely, but we'll know soon in a few weeks. Fingers crossed....
Of course, these are all variable based on CD1, so I try to keep my schedule as open as I can to accommodate this variation.
Unfortunately, I'm kind of screwed for next month. I know I won't get pregnant on this cancelled cycle and I have no idea how long it will last. 26 days? 40 days? Ugh! Not terrible in itself, I know, but our Hawaiian vacation next month is going to land right smack in the middle of stimming.
We haven't been on a real vacation, just the three of us, since Munchkin was born at the end of 2007. Plus, it's Hawaii, so of course we really want to go, but I can't stomach skipping two cycles in a row. I'm in a place where I hope/expect to get pregnant, and I don't know how long this mindset will last. Yes, I know the statistics and I know that chances are that I won't get pregnant next month, but I can't get pregnant if I don't try, right? And for me, trying includes drugs. And drugs require me to practically live in a doctor's office for the better part of two weeks. Two weeks that will coincide with my plans to be on a beach in Maui.
The only thing keeping us from cancelling all our plans and incurring the penalties (fertility treatment is specifically excluded in the travel insurance we purchased. DOH!) is the very small chance that my cycle will be super short and we will be able to get through the stimming and IUI before we fly out. Not likely, but we'll know soon in a few weeks. Fingers crossed....
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Up and Running
Today was the first day in almost a month that I've been able to go for a nice weekend run. Sweet!
I hadn't been advised to avoid "bouncy" exercise while stimming, so it was a shock for me when at my second monitoring appointment last month, the RE stopped cold in her tracks when I told her that I would have a lot to think about during my run that evening. She warned me of the risks of ovarian twisting and proceeded to give me an example of a patient who had this happen while hiking after stimming. Uh oh! It was rather unfortunate that that evening's run was a Corporate team race, and I couldn't cancel out at the last minute. Luckily, my RE said that it was okay, but that I needed to take it easy. I survived that run, but was determined to be a good patient for the rest of my two week wait. After all, she's trying to do what's best for me.
I spent the next 12 days in the pool and on my bike and then when AF came early, I was ready for a run. Unfortunately, the following day I got the bad news that I had 5 cysts left over from last cycle and that I should not run for at least a week. Ugh.
I was so bummed! Not only did I not get pregnant with 5 follicles and not only did my cycle just get cancelled, but I was just told that I couldn't do the one thing that really keeps me sane. It is such a blow to have so many negative things collide in a five minute period of time.
At any rate, I was a good patient. I suppressed my desire to use my leftover Folli.stim or try see if I could still get a hold of a prescription of Clo.mid and did not run.
In a way, I guess this was a good reality check of what the next several months may bring. I hope I will not be one of the people who has to take every other month off from stimming due to cysts, but I think it's a possibility that I need to prepare myself for and determine whether to stick with this treatment plan. Time will tell, I guess.
In the meantime, I will spend a lot of time thinking while running for the rest of this cycle, however long it may last....
I hadn't been advised to avoid "bouncy" exercise while stimming, so it was a shock for me when at my second monitoring appointment last month, the RE stopped cold in her tracks when I told her that I would have a lot to think about during my run that evening. She warned me of the risks of ovarian twisting and proceeded to give me an example of a patient who had this happen while hiking after stimming. Uh oh! It was rather unfortunate that that evening's run was a Corporate team race, and I couldn't cancel out at the last minute. Luckily, my RE said that it was okay, but that I needed to take it easy. I survived that run, but was determined to be a good patient for the rest of my two week wait. After all, she's trying to do what's best for me.
I spent the next 12 days in the pool and on my bike and then when AF came early, I was ready for a run. Unfortunately, the following day I got the bad news that I had 5 cysts left over from last cycle and that I should not run for at least a week. Ugh.
I was so bummed! Not only did I not get pregnant with 5 follicles and not only did my cycle just get cancelled, but I was just told that I couldn't do the one thing that really keeps me sane. It is such a blow to have so many negative things collide in a five minute period of time.
At any rate, I was a good patient. I suppressed my desire to use my leftover Folli.stim or try see if I could still get a hold of a prescription of Clo.mid and did not run.
In a way, I guess this was a good reality check of what the next several months may bring. I hope I will not be one of the people who has to take every other month off from stimming due to cysts, but I think it's a possibility that I need to prepare myself for and determine whether to stick with this treatment plan. Time will tell, I guess.
In the meantime, I will spend a lot of time thinking while running for the rest of this cycle, however long it may last....
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Here I Am
Hi, my name is Shelley...and I am infertile.
There. I said it.
I have been thinking about starting this blog for a long time, but I kept hoping that I wouldn't need it.
I am 36 years old and have an almost 2 year old daughter. It took 17 months of irregular cycles to conceive, but I was lucky in that I got pregnant my first month on Clomid. I nursed Munchkin for a year and the day after I stopped, I got my first post-baby period.
My cycles stayed irregular, and I knew that I would need help again, but hoped all I needed was a prescription or two of Clo.mid and I would be on my way. I was training for a triathlon in early May, so I called the doctor in April to get a prescription. May came and went, and so did June, July and August with no luck. My OB was going on maternity leave at the end of August and we decided it was a good time for me to switch over to an RE.
I had an initial meeting with the RE at the end of August. Her thought was that maybe I have a hypothalamic disorder and we decided that a good next step was to do a 5th cycle with Clo.mid, but to add IUI to increase our chances. In between the meeting and my next period, I decided I wanted to step up our chances even more and do an injectable cycle. The RE was amenable to this and she put me on Foll.istim. I turned out to be a fast responder and even with lowered dosage after my first check, I had 4-5 follicles. Unfortunately, not only did I not get pregnant, I also ended up with 5 cysts and a cancelled cycle.
I am currently on CD11 and am privately hoping that somehow I will be able to ovulate on my own this month (yeah, right!), but also get pregnant so that I don't have to postpone or cancel my unfortunately timed vacation to Hawaii next month (more on that later).
I want to add to our family, and it's getting difficult to keep a positive attitude with failure month after month and friends who can get pregnant two days after they decide it's time to have a baby. Sigh.
There. I said it.
I have been thinking about starting this blog for a long time, but I kept hoping that I wouldn't need it.
I am 36 years old and have an almost 2 year old daughter. It took 17 months of irregular cycles to conceive, but I was lucky in that I got pregnant my first month on Clomid. I nursed Munchkin for a year and the day after I stopped, I got my first post-baby period.
My cycles stayed irregular, and I knew that I would need help again, but hoped all I needed was a prescription or two of Clo.mid and I would be on my way. I was training for a triathlon in early May, so I called the doctor in April to get a prescription. May came and went, and so did June, July and August with no luck. My OB was going on maternity leave at the end of August and we decided it was a good time for me to switch over to an RE.
I had an initial meeting with the RE at the end of August. Her thought was that maybe I have a hypothalamic disorder and we decided that a good next step was to do a 5th cycle with Clo.mid, but to add IUI to increase our chances. In between the meeting and my next period, I decided I wanted to step up our chances even more and do an injectable cycle. The RE was amenable to this and she put me on Foll.istim. I turned out to be a fast responder and even with lowered dosage after my first check, I had 4-5 follicles. Unfortunately, not only did I not get pregnant, I also ended up with 5 cysts and a cancelled cycle.
I am currently on CD11 and am privately hoping that somehow I will be able to ovulate on my own this month (yeah, right!), but also get pregnant so that I don't have to postpone or cancel my unfortunately timed vacation to Hawaii next month (more on that later).
I want to add to our family, and it's getting difficult to keep a positive attitude with failure month after month and friends who can get pregnant two days after they decide it's time to have a baby. Sigh.
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