I've been struggling the past several days. Not depressed, but just a little off inside.
This break between cycles is just painful. I never imagined that the last 4 1/2 months of 2012 would consist of one cycle in which I could get pregnant. Even though IUIs involved disappointment month after month, it was much more comfortable for me to have a possibility that it would work that month.
I guess one cycle in 4+ months wouldn't have been a problem if I had gotten pregnant from the fresh cycle, but here I am resigned to the very likely possibility that AF won't come in the next 7 days and I will be out of luck for the rest of the year.
The clock is ticking away. It's not in my favor and there's nothing I can do about it. I am so frustrated. If AF doesn't come on time, I'll still try to get on Clomid, but I'm looking at <5 a="a" chance.="chance." doesn="doesn" hat="hat" hope="hope" inspire="inspire" lot="lot" nbsp="nbsp" of="of" p="p" t="t">
And there's the nagging question of why I can't get pregnant. Was it just a fluke that the perfect little embryo we transferred didn't implant? Or is there something else that I don't know about? Is it worth it to keep trying? I think yes, but then I second guess that.
Sigh.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Insurance
We had to make our insurance selections during open enrollment last week. Normally there are no real decisions for us to make, but I am getting very close to reaching the maximum infertility coverage on my company's insurance so we needed to figure out whether I should switch to his insurance for next year. This forced us to talk again about how much more time, effort, energy and money we are willing to put into having a baby. I was surprised that my husband is willing to go through at least one more IVF cycle, but relieved that we agreed to continue trying.
I feel more comfortable knowing that my upcoming FET will not be our last chance. I almost had a desire to hold off on it just so that we wouldn't be so close to the end of the line. I have so many fears about this failing and I feel better knowing that it's not an all or nothing situation.
While I am on the subject of the FET, I am pretty bummed about the timing. I am not feeling optimistic about being able to squeeze it in before then end of the year. This was my fear three months ago when I started considering doing IVF and it makes me sad to think that I've only had one shot to get pregnant since August. Objectively, I know that's just the way it is sometimes, but it makes me feel like so much is riding on each cycle. So much pressure! Anyway, the lab is closed starting the 24th and I am not very sure what my body is doing this month. Sigh. I guess there's nothing I can do, but I just hate that time is marching on without me making any progress on this baby-making project.
I feel more comfortable knowing that my upcoming FET will not be our last chance. I almost had a desire to hold off on it just so that we wouldn't be so close to the end of the line. I have so many fears about this failing and I feel better knowing that it's not an all or nothing situation.
While I am on the subject of the FET, I am pretty bummed about the timing. I am not feeling optimistic about being able to squeeze it in before then end of the year. This was my fear three months ago when I started considering doing IVF and it makes me sad to think that I've only had one shot to get pregnant since August. Objectively, I know that's just the way it is sometimes, but it makes me feel like so much is riding on each cycle. So much pressure! Anyway, the lab is closed starting the 24th and I am not very sure what my body is doing this month. Sigh. I guess there's nothing I can do, but I just hate that time is marching on without me making any progress on this baby-making project.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Back to Real Life
Maui was absolutely perfect...just what I needed. Then again, when is Maui not just what you need? :) It was such great timing to have this kind of diversion. I was really taken away from everything that happened right before we left, which was good because the way this cycle ended with the break-through bleeding, etc., was so unexpected.
The weather was great. My body rebounded rather quickly from the 2 1/2 weeks off running and I enjoyed daily sunrise runs (unfortunately, my husband got sick mid-week so I got all the prime running timeslots). And the kids....The kids were wonderfully joyous and pure while at the same time challenging and all-consuming. Just perfect.
Yes, I drooled over the numerous babies that were at the resort we were staying at. And yes, when my daughter saw a baby and said, "I want one", I silently said "Me, too". And that was okay.
At the beginning of the trip, I was in a "fake it till you make it" mode. I had a post mentally written up about all the reasons why it's not so bad to not be pregnant while in Hawaii (fruity drinks, water slides, bikini body, etc.) to help me through, but I got quickly immersed into vacation mode, and the forced thoughts quietly slipped away.
Now that I'm back, I have been thinking about and fearing the FET, but I will post about that when I have more time and can collect my thoughts. Work has my brain all wired so I can't sleep, but it's getting late, so I should try again. In the meantime, it seems like there has been a lot of good news over the past week or so. Congrats to those of you who saw heartbeats on Monday(!!!) and for successful fert reports and transfers and twins. All this positive news have been very encouraging. I will catch up on commenting over the next few days.....
The weather was great. My body rebounded rather quickly from the 2 1/2 weeks off running and I enjoyed daily sunrise runs (unfortunately, my husband got sick mid-week so I got all the prime running timeslots). And the kids....The kids were wonderfully joyous and pure while at the same time challenging and all-consuming. Just perfect.
Yes, I drooled over the numerous babies that were at the resort we were staying at. And yes, when my daughter saw a baby and said, "I want one", I silently said "Me, too". And that was okay.
At the beginning of the trip, I was in a "fake it till you make it" mode. I had a post mentally written up about all the reasons why it's not so bad to not be pregnant while in Hawaii (fruity drinks, water slides, bikini body, etc.) to help me through, but I got quickly immersed into vacation mode, and the forced thoughts quietly slipped away.
Now that I'm back, I have been thinking about and fearing the FET, but I will post about that when I have more time and can collect my thoughts. Work has my brain all wired so I can't sleep, but it's getting late, so I should try again. In the meantime, it seems like there has been a lot of good news over the past week or so. Congrats to those of you who saw heartbeats on Monday(!!!) and for successful fert reports and transfers and twins. All this positive news have been very encouraging. I will catch up on commenting over the next few days.....
Friday, November 2, 2012
6DP6DT
So let's just say that I went for a run this morning. And I'm not going to lie. It felt great! And it was just what I needed.
As the day went on yesterday, the situation was very clear: not pregnant and AF was trying to start. I went through the motions and continued to take the Endometrin, but I knew...so I prepared myself. I laid out my running clothes last night and left the walking ones in the dresser. And this morning I went into the bathroom armed with a pregnancy test and a tampon. And then as soon as the result came up, I got dressed, woke up my dog, and off we went.
I could tell that my ovaries are still enlarged, but not overly so. We went 5 miles and there wasn't any point where I felt like I should not be running (which is a good thing because it was 48 degrees out and I was wearing shorts!).
The disappointment comes in waves. I had a lot riding on this cycle in terms of what I wanted for my family, but I am adjusting. I have heard that some people do better on frozen cycles because their bodies aren't messed up from all the drugs, so I really hope that's what the problem was with this cycle. I can't think too much about what I will do if the FET fails.
I haven't called the clinic yet to plan out my next steps, but I do have a tentative plan. As much as I hate to do it, I think I need to take this month off. I could jump straight into an FET, but I'm not so sure that I will be ovulating this month and I also don't have time in my schedule when I return from vacation to get in the office for any monitoring. So if they will let me, I would like to do a combo Clomid/FET cycle next month. Take Clomid to get myself to ovulate, and if the timing works, then go with the FET, but if the timing runs up against the lab closure at year end, just make it a natural Clomid cycle. I've never heard of anyone doing this, but I kind of like the idea. Let's see if I can make it fly.
And if that doesn't work, who knows. I will be hitting my insurance maximum for infertility treatments and I had thought that we would just stop if this didn't work, but now I'm not so sure. I guess I thought I'd have one more frozen embryo to work with. Anyway, we talked this morning about the possibility of switching over to my husband's insurance next year. His company gives 70% coverage, which is better than nothing, so we'll look at his plan and see if our other doctors are covered and then make a decision. The thought of coming away from this process empty handed is not something I'm ready to concede to yet.
As the day went on yesterday, the situation was very clear: not pregnant and AF was trying to start. I went through the motions and continued to take the Endometrin, but I knew...so I prepared myself. I laid out my running clothes last night and left the walking ones in the dresser. And this morning I went into the bathroom armed with a pregnancy test and a tampon. And then as soon as the result came up, I got dressed, woke up my dog, and off we went.
I could tell that my ovaries are still enlarged, but not overly so. We went 5 miles and there wasn't any point where I felt like I should not be running (which is a good thing because it was 48 degrees out and I was wearing shorts!).
The disappointment comes in waves. I had a lot riding on this cycle in terms of what I wanted for my family, but I am adjusting. I have heard that some people do better on frozen cycles because their bodies aren't messed up from all the drugs, so I really hope that's what the problem was with this cycle. I can't think too much about what I will do if the FET fails.
I haven't called the clinic yet to plan out my next steps, but I do have a tentative plan. As much as I hate to do it, I think I need to take this month off. I could jump straight into an FET, but I'm not so sure that I will be ovulating this month and I also don't have time in my schedule when I return from vacation to get in the office for any monitoring. So if they will let me, I would like to do a combo Clomid/FET cycle next month. Take Clomid to get myself to ovulate, and if the timing works, then go with the FET, but if the timing runs up against the lab closure at year end, just make it a natural Clomid cycle. I've never heard of anyone doing this, but I kind of like the idea. Let's see if I can make it fly.
And if that doesn't work, who knows. I will be hitting my insurance maximum for infertility treatments and I had thought that we would just stop if this didn't work, but now I'm not so sure. I guess I thought I'd have one more frozen embryo to work with. Anyway, we talked this morning about the possibility of switching over to my husband's insurance next year. His company gives 70% coverage, which is better than nothing, so we'll look at his plan and see if our other doctors are covered and then make a decision. The thought of coming away from this process empty handed is not something I'm ready to concede to yet.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
5DP6DT
Well, I survived yesterday afternoon and this morning without testing, so I think I'm in the clear...but it's not looking good for this cycle. I've gone from hopeful to doing damage control and protecting myself.
Yesterday afternoon when I inserted the Endometrin, the applicator had reddish CM on it. Same thing for the evening suppository. And this morning...bright red. And there was quite a bit more when wiping. It's tapered off to brown paste since then, but I'm still spotting.
I am not sure what to make of this. I don't think it's good. My guess is that my body is trying to overcome the extra progesterone that is being pumped into it, but I suppose it could be something else as well. I guess I'll know soon enough.
Symptom-wise, there's nothing going on. Two days ago some bloating returned and I thought that maybe my ovaries were acting up, but that's gone. I had some cramps the past couple of days, but nothing today. On the symptom front, I could make a case for either outcome, but with this spotting...I'm thinking no.
So...I'm considering waiting until Saturday morning to test. If it's negative at that point, I can be pretty certain that it's not going to switch to positive and I will pack a couple extra sets of running clothes so I can exercise off my disappointment. In the meantime, I'll just monitor the situation. Oh yeah, and go buy a new box of tampons.
Yesterday afternoon when I inserted the Endometrin, the applicator had reddish CM on it. Same thing for the evening suppository. And this morning...bright red. And there was quite a bit more when wiping. It's tapered off to brown paste since then, but I'm still spotting.
I am not sure what to make of this. I don't think it's good. My guess is that my body is trying to overcome the extra progesterone that is being pumped into it, but I suppose it could be something else as well. I guess I'll know soon enough.
Symptom-wise, there's nothing going on. Two days ago some bloating returned and I thought that maybe my ovaries were acting up, but that's gone. I had some cramps the past couple of days, but nothing today. On the symptom front, I could make a case for either outcome, but with this spotting...I'm thinking no.
So...I'm considering waiting until Saturday morning to test. If it's negative at that point, I can be pretty certain that it's not going to switch to positive and I will pack a couple extra sets of running clothes so I can exercise off my disappointment. In the meantime, I'll just monitor the situation. Oh yeah, and go buy a new box of tampons.
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