I'm alive!

Wow, I can't believe it's almost been a week since I've posted.  I guess I was just having too much fun over Thanksgiving.  Of course there was the obligatory pregnancy announcement and then some unasked for advice from the taxi driver last night ("you should have your kids close together. blah blah blah), but nothing really to complain about.

I'm at CD8 right now and just took the last Clomid tablet this morning.  I must say that Clomid is so EASY!  I don't mind the injections, but it's so easy to remember to take a little pill every morning. Plus, I've never experienced any side effects, so I don't even worry about that part anymore.  Now I just hope that I can get pregnant.  Just a minor detail.

Anyway, we just arrived in Europe.  I got my little post-flight workout in and am wondering if I might be lucky enough to fall asleep.  We'll see.

I hope all is well with you in blogland.  I'm a bit behind on commenting, but I hope to catch up tomorrow or Wednesday!

Enough with the negativity!

Okay, so I had my little vent yesterday (thanks for the support, by the way!), took a deep breath, and had a nice run this morning with my four-legged running partner.  All is back to normal in my universe.

I got in to see my doctor this morning.  She's has a pretty calming demeanor, which is always nice.  She told me that my last cycle looked good on paper, and that there was no reason not to be optimistic about our chances.  She was totally fine with the Clomid idea and said that she really thinks that it's important that we try to work our cycles around our lives when necessary so we don't find IF running our lives.  Easier said than done, but I appreciated the sentiment.

Anyway, the ultrasound results were fine.  There was one small residual 11 mm cyst on my left ovary, but nothing to worry about.  Uterine lining was nice and thin and there were lots of antral follicles (15 on one side, 10 on the other?) waiting for their turn.

The plan is to start the Clomid on Thursday (days 4 - 8, which was my preference) and then come in to see her the Monday after I get back.  I would most likely trigger that evening and do an IUI on Wednesday.  This schedule would also mimic my body's natural tendency to surge 8 days after the last Clomid pill and ovulate the day after.

So we're set.  I'm grounded again.  Work is crazy and stressful, but I can deal with it.  And most importantly, I can return to my motto: Focus on the good, don't be stressed, end up pregnant. :)

CD1

Here I am again at CD1 "enjoying" the free tampons at work.  Originally I was pretty matter of fact about AF's arrival.  After all, this is par for the course, right?  I start my cycle, I stim, I have a couple of nice follicles, I trigger, IUI, I wait, I hope, I start seeing anti-pregnancy symptoms, I prepare for the inevitable, repeat. But now it's just getting me down, because once again my life and cycle monitoring are in conflict with one another.  And it just sucks.

I called the clinic this morning to report CD1 and discuss my options since I will be out of town next week.  It's not looking good at all.  The nurse who was rather skeptical about doing a Clomid cycle after being on injectables.  She kept saying "well, there's a reason the doctor put you on injectables." Uh, yes, that reason is that I had requested to be more aggressive in my treatment.  And then she felt the need to remind me multiple times that an injectable cycle requires more monitoring.  What a surprise.  I had NO idea!  I mean, seriously?  Why else would I suggest a treatment progression that is out of the norm?!  Wouldn't you suspect that I am trying to come up with alternatives because I know that an injectable cycle isn't realistic when I will be out of the country for work without my husband on days eight through thirteen (and my IUIs have been on days 11 and 12)???? 

Deep breath.....

We also talked about doing IVF (yes, still scary), but the lab will be closed between 12/24 and 1/2, which means that it really doesn't make sense to start on bcp's now because that would put me in a really long holding pattern.  I know I need to read up on IVF protocols to see what all is involved in terms of all the different meds, but the bottom line is that it really makes no sense to me to lose a cycle in this process if I can fit one in while the lab is down.

So for now, I'll wait for the call back to see if I can do a Clomid cycle, possibly with IUI depending on how my body responds in the CM department.  The timing of a Clomid cycle would be much better because I wouldn't ovulate until I'm back from Europe (very important!!!)

And then if that doesn't work, I can get started on the bcp's over the holidays and do an IVF cycle in January.

But I'm still frustrated.  And I hate being frustrated about this.
I hate that I get stressed that time just keeps on marching on.
I hate that my inability to get pregnant in 7 months (with help!!) is causing me to have so many work/life scheduling issues.
I hate that the longer this takes, the longer I will postpone getting myself in kick-ass shape to race triathlons and marathons.
I hate not being in control.

So much for that zen attitude I professed two weeks ago.  I think I need to go for a nice long hard run.  Oh yeah, and to breathe.

Anti Symptoms

TMI warning....

It's usually around 11DPO or 12DPO that I can start to tell that I'm not pregnant.  I call these my anti-pregnancy symptoms.  In addition to not having any implantation bleeding, I often notice an odor that indicates that my period is on its way. I also start to notice a pink tinge to my cervical mucus. 

Yesterday was 11dpiui (still not sure when I ovulated) and the anti-pregnancy odor was present.  And then this morning when I inserted the progesterone suppository, it came back with a touch of pink mucus.  Sigh.

It appears that the game is over this month and now it's just a matter of time.  My period should come either tomorrow or monday. 

I've decided that I really want to go on that work trip the week after Thanksgiving.  This means that I will be gone days 9 through 14 or 8 through 13.  Either way, my IUIs have been on days 11 and 12, so the timing is just not going to work out.  If I get the all clear and my doctor will agree, I will try a Clomid cycle since I will be back in time for a day 16 or 17 ovulation.  If not, I'm just going to take the leap and use this cycle to prep for IVF.  Insurance will cover it and I'm ready to get pregnant.

November ICLW

Welcome ICLW'ers!  I'm Shelley.  This is my second ICLW.  I'm at the tail end of my two week wait and am looking for anything to keep me busy the next few days!!!

Here's my background: It took me a good 17 months to get pregnant with my daughter and I have spent that past 7 months to trying to get pregnant with number 2.  I've done 4 Clo.mid cycles and I'm just finishing up my second injectable IUI cycle.  I had a cancelled cycle after my first injectable cycle, and although the thought of egg retrieval scares the crap out of me, I'm contemplating jumping into IVF if my current cycle fails and leftover cysts are found at my baseline ultrasound.

Thanks for stopping by!

Sick

Yesterday was a good day on the obsession scale, mostly due to a busy day at work, but today I am home with some sort of cold/flu thing.  I am working, but being at home provides a lot of quiet time (at least now that the dogs have ceased wrestling in favor of sunbathing). 

On the symptom watch, there's still nothing to report, so I'm kind of stuck without anything solid to overanalyze.  And I'm not a big POASer so I'm not all that tempted to go out and but some strips.  I figure that if this cycle didn't work, I'm likely to get my period before the end of the weekend, so no need to rush to the store just yet, especially since I'm currently only at 10 dpiui. 

If this doesn't work, I know that I need to spend some time reflecting on my plans, especially for next cycle.  I will need to decide how to handle the work/life balance issue forced by my scheduled trip the week after Thanksgiving, but for now I will quiet my mind, wait patiently (or at least as patiently as possible) and hope that the next few days bring good news.

Patience is a virtue...

...that I don't have!  My plan to be patient and get through this week quickly and effortlessly (ha!) has been completely thwarted by my inability to focus on anything but my cycle chart. 

I track my cycles on a spreadsheet that I started when I went off bcp's four years ago.  I now have a nice history and set of charts to peruse through so I can see how infrequently I ovulate, how long my luteal phases are when I do ovulate, when I start spotting, how long it takes me to get a positive opk when I take Clomid, etc.

In addition to tracking my current cycle, I also use it to plan all the possible scenarios for the next cycle.  This month the drama is revolving around the high probability that I will be out of the country on days 9-14.  I keep trying to manipulate the data to see if there are any scenarios for when CD1 arrives that will not impact my this trip.  Ugh!

Oh, but I digress.  My point is that I can stare at this spreadsheet several times a day for long periods of time to analyze a variety of symptoms, cycle characteristics, etc.  And as I get closer to actually being able to look for signs of success or failure for the current cycle, I open it WAY too often.  I think I need help.  :)

Fingers are crossed that tomorrow will be a better day.  It's bad enough that IF dominates my schedule during the first half of my cycle.  I don't understand why I let it consume me for the second half as well. 

Oh, and Maddy, I did enter my data for this cycle into Fertility Friend, but it's kind of late since your 2ww is just about over and I'm sure you don't need this to pass the time anymore.  Here's the link anyway. 

Back to Reality

The few days away from home definitely provided a much needed respite and we had a great time away.  I even managed to cut myself off email for the entire day on Friday.  That was a big success for me! 

Now that we're back, my symptom obsessiveness (is this even a word?) has returned with a vengeance.  I'm only 7 dpiui, way too early for symptom checking, but already I'm honing my senses to any little twinge my body will provide.  There's nothing of substance to report, but I had a temperature dip on day 5, which concerned me.  It rebounded yesterday and stayed up again this morning, so I'm a bit relieved that this cycle is not unraveling yet.

My focus now is to just hold tight for a few more days.  I tend to have a short luteal phase (on my last injectable cycle I started spotting at 11 dpiui, even with the suppositories), so I should hopefully have an answer before my beta on Monday.  In the meantime, I will catch up on your blogs and try to quiet my brain.

Greetings from the road

Since I'm too cheap to even consider springing for a hotel room that's a two room suite, I am currently lying on our bed in a darkened room with the tv volume so low that I can't hear it,, all so that I don't disturb Munchkin (who won't go to sleep even though it's an hour and a half past her bedtime).  I figured that this is the perfect opportunity to check in and post.

Just a few quick bullet points:
- Vacations are awesome!  It's been so long since I've been away from the office that I've forgotten what it's like to not feel compelled to check email every two minutes.
- I forgot how much I love to sleep in.  I normally get at 5:30 or earlier to work out, so it's such a treat to sleep in till 7!  Woo hoo.  I'm a rebel, I know.  :)
- Using Endo.metrin has not yet grown on me, but at least I'm prepared with extra panty liners (and who really cares if it can help me get pregnant)
- Vacations are awesome.  I think it's time to schedule another one.

Anyway, hope all is well.  Will post again in a couple of days after we head a bit further down the coast.

Nothing to say

My family and friends would never believe that I have nothing to say, but really, I don't.  So then you might wonder why I am bothering to write a post.  Yeah, I know.  I like talking to my computer.  :)

Well, it's been a long day.  I was about ready to leave and something "critical" came up.  Grrrrr.  Nothing like staying at work until 7:30 the day before going on vacation.  Poor me!  

But now I'm at home watching some tv, not working, and wondering why my temp wasn't up this morning.  Maybe it was just a delayed reaction.  I'll find out tomorrow morning, but I can be sure that it will be up on Thursday morning due to the oh so lovely Endometrin that I will become friends with again tomorrow morning.  I can't wait!  I'll try to spare you the details!  ;)
 

Back to the waiting game

The IUI is done and now the two week wait officially begins.  Fun times.

Although I am not on the plane to Hawaii (still a bit sad about that, especially since I am sitting at my desk at work right now), I am still looking forward to our little getaway trip down the coast on Wednesday.  The five days away should be fun and relaxing and should get me through the first week relatively easily.  Then I can spend the second week over-analyzing all the progesterone-induced pregnancy symptoms.

Focus on the good, don't be stressed, end up pregnant.  Sounds like a good motto to me.  :)

Success

I survived!  Apparently the episode from September was a one time thing, because last night was uneventful, other than the usual fight with my dog for position in bed.

Thank goodness, because while I'm still hopeful that this cycle will be successful, there's still a good chance that I'll be needing the ovi.drel again. 

Okay, off to exercise!

Fingers crossed

I just took my trigger shot and now the countdown begins.  The last time I triggered it took about 90 minutes before I started to feel nauseous.  And then I vomited.  I was up for another three hours clearing out my stomach before I could fall asleep.

I swore that night that I wouldn't do this to myself again, but here I am almost two months later anxiously wondering what the next few hours will bring...and hoping either way that it will all be worth it.  I hope it was a one time thing, that maybe I was extra sensitive to the hormones because I had just run a road race that evening and hadn't eaten much.... I hope. 

Well, it's done and there's nothing I can do.  According to the insert, this side effect happens only 2.5% of the time, so hopefully I paid my dues last month!  My fingers are crossed.

All set!

I had another follicle check this morning.  The doctor was so on time I hardly had enough time to undress before she was knocking on the door!  I'm not used to this kind of service!

Anyway, the follicles are moving right along.  They were at 16.5, 13, 13, 11.5, 10.5, and 28 less than 10.  So tonight is my last Folli.stim injection, trigger tomorrow night, the IUI is scheduled for Monday morning, and we're heading out of town on Wednesday.

I'm trying to be chill about the next couple of weeks, but I really hope this cycle works.  I have work trip planned to Europe for what will likely be days 8-14 next cycle.  That is NOT good planning....

No shortage...

...of eggs!  After last night's post, I would hope that I have no shortage of brain cells, but the jury is still out on that.  And thanks for the comments.  You're right.  I need to set an alarm.  Sunny, I also like your idea of not being so strict on the timing, but I'm not sure I can do that.  Not following instructions is hard for me.  I'm lame like that.  Anyway, I did set the alarms on my last cycle and it worked great.  Unfortunately, my poorly designed N.ike watch broke and I can never seem to keep track of it now that it's not attached to my wrist.  I just need to send it in (along with the rest of my collection of broken N.ike watches) for repair and shape up! 

But I digress.

So I had my first follicle check this morning.  Thankfully, my ovaries were a bit less ambitious on the lowered dosage.  Last time I had 14, 11, 11, 11, 10, 10, and several other smaller ones at the 7 day check.  Today I had 13, 11, 11, 10 and more than 20 at less than 10.  My doctor proclaimed that there's no shortage of eggs in there!  I guess I'll take that as a compliment and a good sign if/when I move up to IVF.  She also wanted to get an estradiol level before she decided what to do with my dosage for tonight and tomorrow.  So we'll see what happens.

All in all, it was a super quick appointment.  In at 8:30, out by 9 with blood already drawn and a return appointment set for Friday.  Not bad. 

Oh, and the best news was that she's still letting me run for at least 2 more days!  Sweet.

Where did my brain go?

This is the second day in a row that I took the Follistim out of the fridge and forgot to take my shot.  Last night I was a half hour late.  No big deal, because I want to take the shot at 9 anyway and I was trying to slowly adjust after going off daylight savings.  Tonight I got so immersed in work (exciting and fun, I know) that the next thing I knew, it was 10 and I was an hour late.  Argh.  I don't think it should matter all that much, but it still bugs me that I can't stick to the schedule.

The only good thing about this is that when I'm late, I'm pretty darn fast at dialing up the shot and jabbing myself.  It's nice to go into auto-pilot, but is this really the way to do it?

Please, brain, come back.  I NEED you!

Okay, back to work so I can hopefully go to sleep soon.

Hopeful Monday

I am happy and hopeful today.  I wasn't exhausted when I woke up before 5 AND the sun was up before I finished my swim workout.  Good times! 

I'm not sure why I feel so hopeful about this cycle, but I do.  I don't know if it's because my periods are seeming more normal for me.  Maybe it's because I feel like having one injectable cycle under my belt gives us information to improve our chances of not ovulating too early.  Or maybe it's just just optimism that my body will cooperate this cycle.

Whatever the reason, I'm feeling good.  I'm happy with the protocol for this month.  I know what to expect at the RE's office for the next week or so.  I'm still going on vacation for at least a few days next week...just not to Hawaii.  And I have a plan for the next few months.  After my first cycle with the RE in September, I was crushed when I found out that I had cysts and had to be med-free for a month.  I didn't have a plan for that and it messed with all my other plans (including the one where I get pregnant this fall!). 

I spent a lot of time last month reformulating plans and now I know what we're going to do if this cycle doesn't work.  And I'm hopeful that one way or another, I will end up pregnant.  Cross your fingers that I don't find myself rereading this post in a few months and kicking myself for being optimistic!

Anyway, for the record, if I don't have cysts at the next baseline ultrasound, I will do a third IUI cycle and if that doesn't work, then I'll jump to IVF.  If I do end up with cysts after this cycle, I think I will be allowed to use next cycle as my "prep" cycle and then jump into the IVF world at the beginning of the year.  Egg retrieval still sounds scary to me, but it's time to suck it up and take the next step.

I do believe that IUI can work for me, so I want to give it a chance.  And if it doesn't work, waiting till next year for IVF gives me a chance to prepare mentally and financially.  Now I just need to figure my odds for getting pregnant so I can determine how much money to put into our healthcare FSA.....