Temptations

I am dying over here.  Here I am, 4DP6DT, working from home trying to write up my accomplishments for the year (something which normally causes me to procrastinate for hours), and there's a little cheapy HPT in the bathroom cupboard calling my name.  

I am not normally the type to test early.  I think I like to feel like am in control, so the times that I have tested and they have been negative, I got upset with myself and wondered how I could have possibly thought that I was pregnant.  A couple of months ago, I was so sure that I was pregnant that I laid down a whole $3 to buy three tests.  I tested at 12 DPO and nothing.  Then the following month I just wanted confirmation a few days ahead of AF that my hail mary cycle was a fail, so I tested at 11 DPO.  And here I am with one more test, trying to hold out for a day or two.  

I guess I feel like it could be positive.  The last few days I have had hope...not due to any symptoms, but simply because IVF should work, and doing PGD should have increased my chances even more.  I definitely can't go by symptoms because I have been pregnant twice, and both those times, I was certain that the cycle was a failure.  And I have been not pregnant many many times, and there were (and have been recently) plenty of cycles where I was pretty sure that it had worked.  So clearly my pregnancy barometer is poorly calibrated. 

So here I am, acting very childish.  I defiantly emptied my bladder a couple of hours ago to eliminate the temptation temporarily.  I think I can hold out.  Wish me luck.  I'm not sure I want to process any data, positive or negative, just yet.

Beta Blues

When will my beta be?  Argh.  It should technically be on Saturday, but because that's a weekend, it's scheduled for Monday.  But we'll be heading out on vacation on Saturday, so I'm not sure what I'm going to do! 
This timing issue has been on my mind since I got my IVF schedule in the middle of September.  I knew this would happen, but when I called the IVF nurse to see if we could tighten up the schedule just four or five days by starting BCPs on day 3 instead of day 5 for only 15 days instead of 18, it was like I had asked her to move a mountain.  I was told in no uncertain terms that there was absolutely no way we could adjust the schedule and I could take it as is or try some other time.  What great customer service.  And so much for all the talk from my RE about being able to adjust the cycle here and there if needed.

Sigh.  Obviously, it's not that big a deal, but I guess I need to have something to focus my energy on (other than "ooh, was that a cramp?" "do I feel any different", etc.) 

I have a hard copy requisition that I can take to a lab for my beta.  I checked the area and there are several in-network labs, so I think I will test with HPTs and if I get a positive by Monday, I'll get a blood test sometime next week.  And if the HPTs are negative?  Hmm, not sure.  Most likely, I won't test.  On my IUI cycles, I've had break-through bleeding while on Endometrin, so I generally stay away from the pregnancy tests unless specifically requested by the doctor.  I know...I've heard the stories of the women who had full on periods only to find out that they were pregnant.  But that's not me.  So if I start bleeding this weekend, I can be pretty certain of what's going on inside.  My RE suggested that I could just stay on the Endometrin while traveling and do the beta when I returned, but the thought of staying on these suppositories longer than necessary while traveling to a tropical destination does not sound appealing.  All I can think is "ewwwww!".

Hopefully this will all be a non-issue and that I will want to go get the test.  Fingers crossed.  It'll probably be early next week depending on what the rest of our schedule looks like. 

And the POAS schedule?  Hmm, that's unclear.  Perhaps Friday at 6DP6DT?  I want to see how things feel the next few days before I start thinking about when to test.  Tick tock.  For more reasons than one, I am looking forward to this weekend!

Transfer Day

Well, I think I got the answers that I had been seeking by doing this IVF cycle.  You know which questions I'm talking about: the "what's wrong with me?" question and the "why can't I get pregnant on my question?". 

Of the eight embryos that were biopsied yesterday, only two were chromosomally normal.  Wow. Only 2 of the original 14 made it.  Interestingly enough, one of the 5AAs from yesterday was one of the ones that had something wrong with it.  Sure, my RE had told me when we met last month that you can't tell by looking at a day 5 blast whether it's normal or not, so I knew that this could happen, but I was still surprised.  Honestly, I thought we'd have at least 3 good ones today.  But that's really here nor there.  I'm just glad we chose the path we did, because if I had tried to do a single embryo transfer today without doing the testing, there would have been a 50/50 shot of transferring a viable one.  I guess that's why it's common practice to transfer two, especially for women in their late 30s.

Luckily the two normal ones looked "beautiful".  Both were both 6AAs so I let the embryologist pick the one that looked the best.  She will freeze the other one. 

One thing I hadn't considered when we decided to do the screening was that the gender would be also be known.  Okay, yes, I should have realized that, but that's not what I was focusing on.  I was kind of thrown for a loop when the embryologist asked me if I wanted to know the genders (and pick which embryo to transfer?).  That's not a decision I want to make, so I said no.  Doing IVF and making the decision of how to handle unused/un-transferred/etc embryos has definitely pushed the limits of what I am comfortable with in terms of technology and science in the process of baby-making, and gender selection is outside that limit for me. 

For now, I'm just going to focus on the upcoming week.  We head out for vacation next Saturday and I still have a lot to do to prepare, both at work and at home, so am happy to have something to keep my mind occupied..

We're on for a day 6 transfer

I just got the call:
2 - 5AA
1 - 5AB
1 - 4BA
4 - early

The first four will definitely be biopsied and the other four might, depending on how they do today.  It sounds like they wait as long as possible to give the early ones a chance to develop more.

So we decided to proceed and transfer is scheduled for tomorrow morning.  I hope there's one that looks awesome. 

That's all for now.  Will write more later....

**********
Update: Good news...they were able to biopsy all 8 embryos. I will get my money's worth out of this testing, since they have one price for up to 8.  Oh yeah, and hopefully I will get a couple of chromosomally normal blasts out of this as well.

Day 3 Update

I received another 8:30AM call this morning (I love punctuality!), this time from one of the IVF nurses.

And...I still have 8. 
3 -8 cell embryos grade I

1- 8 cell embryo grade III
3- 9 cell embryos grade I
1-10 cell embryo grade II

In this system grade I is the best.  The nurse explained to me that normal development is to be 8 cell by day 3.  When she told me about the 9 and 10 cell ones, I thought that was even better, but then I did some reading and perhaps that's not the case.  Even so, it sounds like good news to me.

The next update will come Friday morning and then we'll know how things look and decide whether to do a day 5 transfer or to biopsy and go with a transfer on Saturday.

Obviously, anything can still happen in two days, but I'm feeling good about this...while still scared.  I don't necessarily feel confident in my decision to do a single embryo transfer, but I just can't have twins (based on my history, I would expect pregnancy to cause me and the babies a lot of problems).  And I don't think I have it in me to do a selective reduction.  So there we go.  Hopefully I get what I need from the chromosomal screening.

On the recovery/OHSS/physical side, things are great.  I have not been following the "OHSS diet" since Sunday and for now, everything is fine.  I plan to shift my diet a bit next week after reading that WTW's OHSS kicked into high gear once she started producing HCG.  I've also been out walking the past two days and it's been nice to just get outside.  I do miss real sweating, though.  It's been over a week!  Maybe I'll spin on my bike on my trainer in the next couple of days, just so that I can sweat!  Really, I'm not that crazy exercise person who can't miss a day without losing my mind.  It's just been a difficult transition after spending the past two months working out as much as possible so I wouldn't feel like I was turning to mush while going through IVF.  I rarely took a day off from doing *something*, even if it was just a quick 20 minute strength workout.

So that's the update.  Until Friday morning, I'll be hanging tight, and keeping my fingers tightly crossed for those of you with scheduled betas in the morning.

Fert Report

Okay, so here are the results:
We started with 14....

- 8 fertilized

- 1 was not mature and was discarded

- 5 are still being watched and we'll know more on Wednesday.

I got the call from the embryologist at 8:30 this morning.  I was on the bus to work...and I was like a deer caught in the headlights.  Seriously unprepared.  I had no questions and all she told me was that 8 fertilized and that we'll talk on Wednesday.  I called the lab in the afternoon and thankfully, the woman who answered the phone pulled up the paperwork and gave me the rest of the information.

I'm really not sure how I feel about the number 8, but I'm also not sure what I expected.  Objectively, I think 8 is good, right?  I know I just need one to stick (not 8!)...and there are a few of you who are my proof (thank you for the success stories!), but I'm scared.  I am scared.

So hear me out.  I'm planning on doing chromosomal testing and only transferring one.  From what I've read, between age 35-39 approximately 40%-50% of a woman's eggs are chromosomally abnormal.  So what if this process goes through some sort of half-life type of thing where eight of fourteen fertilize...and then four of the eight make it to blast...and then two of the four are chromosomally normal...and then I transfer one and the other one doesn't make it to freeze...  And then what if I don't get pregnant?  Am I done, just like that?  That's some serious pressure.  Okay, it's also purely speculation, but it's not out of the questions.

This doubt has been simmering just beneath the surface for the past several days.  I've finally reached the moment of truth, the time when I'm supposed to find out why I haven't been able to get pregnant without help for the past 7 years.  And now I'm worried about what I will find out.

Okay, enough with the drama.  This is just how I'm feeling today...vulnerable to what I will learn this week.

Physically, I feel better than yesterday, when I walking gingerly so as to not disturb anything inside.  I can now walk normally, but still find myself noticing that my normal "purposeful" walk is a bit too purposeful.  Hopefully one more day and I'll feel like getting out early for at least a couple of miles (walking! not running!  I'm crazy, but not that crazy).

Retrieval

I'm just chilling here at home with my dog and my computer...and a little bit of football.  I couldn't ask for a better Sunday morning!  :)

I feel pretty good.  I've got some mild cramping and I find myself walking somewhat gingerly, but it's nothing major.

We got back from the RE's office about about an hour ago.  As far as I can tell, the retrieval was smooth...and they got 14 eggs.

If things go well, the plan is to do biopsies on Friday and a day 6 transfer on Saturday morning.  Of course, I know that things can change in a flash and I could back in the office for a 3 or 5 day transfer depending on how things progress over the next couple of days.

At this point, I've done all I can do, so I'm just going to take care of myself, check out the ICLW blogs, and enjoy the quiet house.