Limbo

Gosh, it seems like a lot, yet not a lot, has happened since Friday.

My RE called me on Friday afternoon, which was incredibly helpful.  My OB had been kind enough to offer to send my RE a note letting her know what we discovered at my appointment on Thursday and she called me after she got the email. As a sidebar, I had always thought it was nice that both clinics are affiliated with the same hospital and use the same medical record system, but it wasn't until Thursday that it really made a difference to me.

Anyway, I was really touched that she called and we had a good conversation.  We talked about the options and the pros and cons for each, which was good because I really wasn't able to process anything that my OB told me on Thursday.  I was just so unprepared for the appointment to have a negative outcome that not much stuck.... We also talked about next steps and how long I would have to wait until I could start another cycle.  This wasn't something I wanted to talk about, but it was necessary.  She also told me again that I still have a very hopeful situation.  For me it's really more of a matter of tolerance to stay in the game. I was just so happy when we got pregnant to not have to go through any of this again.  We also talked about the appointment that I had scheduled for Saturday and she told me that I didn't have to go, but that if I were to opt for any treatment, they would want to see me before they took any action.

So I went to the Saturday appointment and met with her partner.  She did an ultrasound and confirmed that there was no heartbeat (not that I had any misconceptions that my OB had missed something).

I decided that I wanted to take Misoprostol to induce the miscarriage.  I considered this to be a good middle ground for me because my priorities were conflicting.  On the one hand, I didn't want intervention because aside from not wanting another procedure on my uterus, I felt that I would process the loss much better if I experienced the miscarriage.  On the other hand, I wanted this to happen sooner rather than later.  And with a natural miscarriage, you don't know when your body will let go of the pregnancy.  With the medication, you have the miscarriage, but the process is expedited.

I was told that the drug works for 80% of the people and the miscarriage would be complete within 24 hours.  10% have excessive bleeding and need to go to the ER (eek!).  For the other 10%, it doesn't work.

Not knowing what the process would be like, I decided to wait until Saturday evening to take the medication.  After all, I needed to go for a sanity-inducing run first!  Around 9PM, I put four pills in my cheeks and let them dissolve.  Over an hour later, they were still dissolving, but I was starting to feel some cramping.  I had some light bleeding right before I went to bed, and I thought I would be in for a long night.  Amazingly, I ended up being able to sleep and woke up with menstrual type bleeding.  Unfortunately, it never got worse.  I had some cramping, but the flow lessened throughout the day, and I realized that I would need to take the second dose last night.  I thought that perhaps it didn't work because the pills did not dissolve completely, so I decided to use the "other" delivery method.  I inserted the pills vaginally around 8pm and laid down to watch some tv.  Let me just say that nothing happened.  I slept very soundly and had absolutely no cramping.  I was/am so disappointed.  There I was, on a holiday weekend, waiting to miscarry a baby that I've wanted so badly, and it won't freaking work!  I even went running this afternoon (it felt great, by the way) and when I got back, there was hardly any indication of bleeding on my pad.  It's seriously disappointing to be in this kind of limbo!

So here's where I am right now.  I called the clinic again today and spoke with one of the doctors.  She gave me another prescription for misoprostol and I will take it again tomorrow night.  Apparently, it's a better delivery system to go through the mouth, so I will dissolve them again in my cheek.  If that doesn't work, I'll get one more chance, the following night.  And if that doesn't work, I will need to do a D&C, most likely on Friday.  I guess there's a risk of infection with the cervix being dilated for too long, so they don't want me to wait much longer.  And neither do I.  Fingers crossed that third time's a charm.

At least I get a break tonight and ramp up tomorrow for another round.

Hmm, that turned out to be a long post.  I just wanted to document what this process has entailed for me.  I have more on my mind that I want to write about, but it will need to wait.  Thanks for all the comforting comments.  As you can tell from my blog title, I really haven't told anyone that we're going through this (I've told one person and I still need to un-tell her), so it's been nice to have a safe place to share this experience.