Processing the Process

So I was lying in bed last night (and quietly crying...an event which has become a regular occurrence since last Thursday) trying to figure out just why it was so important to me that I avoid the D&C.  Was it to avoid the invasive procedure?  Sure, that was part of it, but it wasn't the whole thing.  Was it the need to have some sort of control over this, where my body was doing something, rather than having something done to my body?  That certainly sounds like me, but that wasn't the heart of it either.  Then I got it.  I realized that during the past few days, I really haven't had a chance to really "process" the loss.  For one reason or another, I can't spend more than a few minutes at a time thinking about my future will (another IVF, ugh!) and will not hold (baby in August or September).  Part of it is my busy life, and part of it is my defense mechanism.

In my mind, I have this vision of the miscarriage as a period of time, maybe just a few hours, when because of some physical discomfort or pain, I will focus on what is happening to me, I will let myself cry and be sad, and I will not be distracted.  I don't know if this is how it will be, but having this time reserved to focus and acknowledge the situation gives me comfort that I won't find myself a few months down the road with residual issues.

Anyway.  I hope I get what I need out of this process.  The bleeding picked up a little bit today, so I'm hoping that the medication gets the ball rolling tonight.  Time to load up my cheeks like a chipmunk with contraction-inducing medicine and sit on the couch to watch some trashy tv.  I think work will need to wait until morning.