Gosh, I feel like I'm living in the past. Well, maybe not quite in the past, but maybe more of the alternate universe where I'm still pregnant. In some ways I'm doing so well, but in others, I feel like maybe I am trying too hard to move on.
I normally wouldn't write about something like this, but we tried to have sex last night and I couldn't do it. I just got sad. Stupid miscarriage. All I could think about was that my stomach was flat because I wasn't pregnant and my boobs are super-small again because I wasn't pregnant, etc, etc. Of course I want a flat stomach. And running is so.much.easier with small breasts. I actually like them small. But. Well, you know...I had other plans.
So...I don't know. I guess it's only been a few weeks (I found out on valentine's day). And I'm sure this is normal. And I recognize that being in this limbo-like period when I'm just waiting around for my period is definitely contributing to these feelings. I just want out. And I think what will really help is a milestone. Something. Anything! AF would be ideal, but I'd be okay with signs of ovulation (unlikely), so that I would know that it's just two more weeks before I can get moving on to the next phase. Right now everything seems so wide open. I mean, I could be waiting for 2 weeks, 4 weeks, or even more. This is not helpful for a planner like me.
Or maybe I just need to make a plan for something else. Vacation would be nice. I actually have a girls' weekend planned in April, but there was a LOT of drama in the planning that I can't bring myself to buy plane tickets. So that doesn't really help. Maybe a road race is a better option. I've been reticent to sign up for any races this year because I thought I might be pregnant, and then I was, and now I'm not, but IVF is around the corner. Maybe a good idea would be to find something that I could get ready for in 5 or 6 weeks. I just need to reclaim some speed, so I would feel good about myself out there. Maybe that would help.
I don't know. I'm not very patient. Any other ideas?
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Is there a concert or event coming up that you would be excited to attend? How about booking a hotel for the weekend somewhere with your husband? Or going to see a friend in another area?
ReplyDeleteI agree...planning something is a great idea. It will give you something else to think about. Just remember to not rush yourself in the healing process.. It will happen and you need to take however much time you need to make it happen. I know it's easy to put pressure on yourself to "just get over stuff" and be normal again. I did that to myself and it only came back to bite me. Thinking of you so much.
ReplyDeleteThis post is exactly where I was. I sought the silver lining and embraced every positive aspect of my MC (it was early and easy, etc..) and the emotional hangover hit much later, when I acknowledged hey...it's still really disappointing. Road races are my consolation prize for bring unpregnant. Even just a 5K will run some adrenaline through those veins and give a runner's high. I was also anxious to know when I would start ovulation again and I think I super ovulated I that cycle as I had the worst PMS of my life. Best to you xx
ReplyDeleteI totally understand the limbo you feel. I finally just started my first period following my miscarriage. It's nice to know we are finally on our way toward doing our FET cycle. Good luck! Hopefully it will be here sooner rather than later.
ReplyDeleteI had the same experience with sex after miscarriage. I just couldn't do it for the same reasons you describe.
ReplyDeleteLooking back, we always did some kind of home improvement project after miscarriage (always my idea), whether it was as simple as cleaning and organizing the garage (I know, sounds fun, right? there was lots of re-organizing), or a project like building a bookcase, it felt good to construct.
I'm so sorry that you're feeling like this right now. I really hate that any of us have suffered through loss, it's not fair.
ReplyDeleteI know that after every miscarriage, M. and I tended to make a big purchase. Like $1200 stove/oven after our 1st...retail therapy, I said. ;)
Milestones do help, maybe sign up for a 5K in the next few weeks? I know having a plan also helped me during those awful years.
HUGE ((hugs)) for you.