Disconnected

Wow, I am behind.  I'm looking forward to making some time in the next few days to see how everyone is doing. I can't believe several friends I made last summer (when I jumped back into the blogging world and TTC) are charging into their third trimesters, in awe that they may just have a take-home baby in a few short months.


Honestly, the past couple weeks have been weird.  I've felt incredibly disconnected from my upcoming IVF cycle...and I can't tell if it's a good or bad thing.  Maybe it's a little bit of both. 
 
On the good side, time is marching on rather quickly and I'm not dwelling on what could have been. 

On the not so great side, I caught myself a few times wondering why I'm going through this again and wondering whether this is really a smart decision.  I've found myself to be lacking in patience in my parenting and just not "all there" in the evenings.  My laptop is always open, I'm always trying to sneak an email in during breakfast or while making dinner.  It makes me wonder whether I can really handle my current life +1.  Of course that +1 would be a beautiful, wonderful creature that would bring so much joy and completeness to our family.  I guess that's why.  But I still question myself.  I'm a bit overwhelmed and don't have a good plan for adjustments that we would make.

So last Friday afternoon, I was sifting through my growing stack of papers when I came across my IVF schedule.  I opened it up and realized that my Lupron injections started today (Wednesday)!  Yikes!  Seriously?  How did that creep up on me?  I hadn't made plans to find time during weekday business hours to stop by the pharmacy and pick up my medications.  The big box o' meds is the "sign" that IVF is a go!  and here I am ignoring (or maybe it's trying to forget) it.

And then I was driving into the office after my appointment this morning and I realized that assuming everything goes according to plan, my retrieval is less than three weeks away.  Wow.  I need to shift my focus.  I don't want to fixate on this, but I need to make sure to take good care of myself.  I don't think we would do another cycle if it doesn't work.  (Wow, it seems to final to say that, but I do think this is it.). 

So anyway, things are starting to move and it's time for me to re-engage.  Evil Lupron is now flowing through my system.  My baseline ultrasound is next Thursday, and stims start next Sunday right after I return from a girls' weekend.  Let's go!